because I like Wordpress better

As much as I've enjoyed posting here on Blogger, I have to admit that I really like Wordpress better for various reasons.

Here's my new blog--

http://christinajina.wordpress.com/

I'll add a code to automatically redirect traffic to my new blog soon. For now, I'll just leave it up to you to click over. =]

because it says in Hebrews 2--

¹Therefore we must pay much closer attention to what we have heard, lest we drift away from it. ²For since the message declared by angels proved to be reliable, and every transgression or disobedience received a just retribution, ³ how shall we escape if we neglect such a great salvation?

and

¹⁷Therefore he had to be made like his brothers in every respect, so that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in the service of God, to make propitiation for the sins of the people. ¹⁸For because he himself has suffered when tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.

PTL. I woke up to my alarm at 6am this morning, albeit very confused at being awoken after having not slept...or so it felt.

=]

because I'm a little worried

I've been hearing ringing in my ears often as of late...

I got in bed at 10pm, fell asleep for a bit, woke up at 11pm, and now am having trouble falling back asleep. The ringing in my ears was driving me nuts, and my ears seem to be a tad sensitive...

It's all very reminiscent of the beginnings of the storm that rocked me 3-4 months ago.

Pray for me, please.

because I am a proud mocker

to be mocked. And because I'm just another person, but I certainly don't act like it.

Yes, I am indeed a creation of God, and yes, there isn't another Christina Jina Lee out there quite like me. Yes, I am one of a kind, and yes, I have the potential to be somewhat influential in the lives of those around me.

But...

No, I am not any better than the people I surround myself with, and no, that doesn't necessarily make me worse than those people. No, it's not true that I am irreplaceable, and no, nobody really needs me.

I s'pose it all boils down to something I lack and too often forget to strive for--humility. Sometimes I feel like all of our sin issues can simply be attributed back to pride and being self centered.

My dad is a prime example of one who is extremely humble. At first glance it may appear that he's a pushover, that he's soft spoken and that he's naive and too trusting. But in reality, behind that veneer of apparent weakness is a solid character built upon a foundation of all that goodness listed in Galatians 5:22-23. He is loving, joyful, patient, kind, and faithful. He exudes peace and also acts as a peacemaker, and makes sure to be self-controlled in the way he goes about dealing with conflicts and emotions. He is gentle but confident, knowing that he doesn't have to fight to prove himself or his opinions at every challenge.

I, on the other hand...

...let's just say that I lack. Period.

I've commented in the past that so-and-so needs to toppled off his/her pedestal, implying that whoever it was needed to be humbled and to acknowledge the fact that (s)he really isn't as great as (s)he believes him/herself to be. And yet...

...here I am, standing atop my pedestal, head held high by a false sense of self-confidence and back straightened by self-centered pride.

I think it's about time someone knocked me down and gave me a reality check.

So what now? Now that I know I've been pushed to the ground, do I scramble back up to reach that pedestal again? Do I dust myself off and pretend like nothing's happened, assuming that same haughty posture once again? Do I wallow in self-pity for a couple of days, then let myself be satisfied that I've at least identified this problem?

It's one thing to realize my flaws...

...it's another to do something about it.

I can't really say that I can identify any simple solutions to this issue. It's really a matter of having an extreme attitude makeover--and any kind of extreme makeover is always tough and trying.

Like clay in the hands of a potter, so I am in the hands of God.

Cast me not away from Thy presence, oh Lord

Take not Thy Holy Spirit from me

Restore unto me the joy of Thy salvation

And renew a right spirit within me

because i keep oversleeping

augh...

I woke up today at 8:40am. Yesterday I woke up at 8:40am. Monday and Tuesday? I'm not sure when, but definitely not 6:00am.

...

Friends, I've been trying to wake up by 6:00am so I could start off my day with Pastor Aaron, Sharon Lee, and whoever else might be at Starbucks for "Don't Waste Your Summer" at 7:00am.

-_-;;

But you know, as much as I've failed to attend this past week, it's still a huge improvement from what my sleeping schedule used to be like. I went from sleeping anywhere between 2am and 5am and waking up between 10am to 12:30pm to sleeping before 1am and waking up before 9am...not bad!

Anyway, that's all I wanted to post for now. I realize it's been a while since I've posted anything substantial, but that will come sooner or later......

=]

because i consistently fail to

seek and find that ever elusive happy medium.

I don't know how many sentences I just typed out and backspaced, typed and backspaced, typed and backspaced...

Where do I even begin?

The way my life should be is defined by many sets of happy mediums...and I have found none of them as of now.

For now, the most pertinent happy medium is that I need to calm down and take more time to rest and (spiritually & physically) recuperate, but I need to make sure not to hole up and shut the world out either.

That is all.

because it's VBS season

A brother wrote an entry on what constitutes a successful VBS and I thought I'd share it with you.

Hope he doesn't mind. =]

because i want to keep my spending to a minimum

When I'm not in class or at work, I'll be at the pool, the beach, or Disneyland. =]

I have many pictures I want to edit and post...I hope to get to all of them over the course of this summer.

For now, here's one of my favorites--

the brother & me @ Ruth's Chris Steakhouse on Michelson after my graduation

Here's to summer! =]

Let's beach/pool/Disneyland it!! ^^

because I wanted to...

...share with you how ridiculous I was. This is my last undergraduate research paper...

Christina J. Lee (ID# ********)

(removed class & professor name)

15 June 2009 (note: this was the week after finals...submitted ridiculously late)

NAFTA: Another Good Idea Gone Bad

With the passing of the North American Free Trade Agreement, various legitimate sources were quick to publish articles praising the NAFTA and the benefits that all participating parties would share. In an article published in July of 1992, The New York Times claimed that this agreement “promised jobs, wealth, and economic activity throughout the continent.” In September of the following year, it was said in the Washington Post that “the list of new opportunities and advantages is a long one.” Regardless of the praises the NAFTA has received over the years, only time would tell whether such claims would come to fruition or not. Looking back over these fifteen years that have trickled by, it is undeniable that the NAFTA has hugely impacted the continent and its economic goings on. Unfortunately, the changes that have come to pass are overwhelmingly negative, and these destructive consequences are not only limited to the economic realm. NAFTA and its results have been so potent that they have poisoned everything from the environment and foreign relations to the daily lives of hardworking individuals. But the initial praises of NAFTA could not have been completely unfounded, and it was an agreement that had been signed by leaders who are hoped to have had the best intentions of their people and nations at heart. With that in mind, one cannot help but wonder—what exactly is it that went wrong? If the Washington Post’s sentiments in believing that the NAFTA could bring about great opportunities and advantages were echoed as they were, chances are that the agreement started out as something to be looked upon with hope from all over the continent. It could be said that the details of NAFTA were simply shortsighted, and that its failures could not have been predicted, rendering the avoidance of such negative consequences impossible from the start. Still others have said that it was xenophobia that helped get the NAFTA passed, and that it is this xenophobia that caused NAFTA to ultimately crumble and fail (Faux). Though these points are valid, they do not quite reach down to the basic root of why NAFTA failed. Whether it is shortsightedness or xenophobia, it all boils down to the fact that NAFTA failed because man is inherently sinful.

Before the sinful nature of man can be pinned for the failure of NAFTA, the term “sin” must first be defined. According to The American Heritage dictionary, sin is either “a transgression of a religious or moral law” or “something shameful or wrong.” The Merriam-Webster dictionary says that sin can also be defined as “an often serious shortcoming.” While these definitions are what most people would most commonly think of in an attempt to define so abstract a term, they are inadequate for the purposes of defining man’s inherent sinfulness. The Merriam-Webster definition is probably the most secular definition in the sense that it causes sin to appear as something that can be helped and that it is apart from the norm. The word “shortcoming” implies that sin is a character fault that individuals deal with on a case-by-case basis and that it is not an ever-present malady of the soul, and does little to shed light on the inherency of sin. Ironically, Merriam-Webster also provides the definition of sin that is most closely aligned with the Protestant worldview. Sin is “ a vitiated state of human nature in which the self is estranged from God.” In other words, sin is not just an isolated action or a mistake someone makes every once in a while; it is a state of being. But this is not a state of being that only afflicts a select group of people—no individual is exempt because sin as a state of human nature is inherent in all men.

According to Romans 5:12 in the New International Version of the Bible, “sin entered the world through one man” whose name was Adam. Advocates and believers of creationism believe that Adam was the first man to be created, according to Genesis 1:7. As it is detailed in the beginning verses of Genesis, before sin and corruption entered the world the earth and all its inhabitants existed in peace and without hardship. This peace and simplicity of life could be attributed to the fact that Adam and his wife Eve lived with childlike innocence. Countless parents can attest to the fact that at one time or another, their children have run around naked in utter joy because they simply have no idea that they should be covering up. It is even emphasized in Genesis 1:25 that “they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.” Shame and all things negative entered the world as a result of the fall. The garden in which Adam and Eve resided contained what was known as the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, the only thing that God had forbade the couple to eat from (Genesis 1:17). Unfortunately, the devil in serpent form tempts Eve and she eventually gives in, taking from the tree and even giving it to her husband. True to its name, the fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil opened the eyes of those who partook of it, and the first thing the couple did was to cover themselves up in shame. Ultimately, all parties involved are cursed as a result of this transgression—it is the combination of the transgression and subsequent curse that caused man to exist in a state of hardship, turmoil, and of course, sin.

Sin is most comprehensively defined as a human state of being, but its consequences and manifestations are what people generally believe to be sin. To define it simply, the manifestations of sin can be summed up into one general category—that of self-centeredness. It is only fitting that this is the case, considering the fact that it was a matter of selfish ambition and desire that caused Eve to eat of the forbidden fruit. The serpent played on her self-centeredness when he said in Genesis 3:5 that “God knows that in the day [she eats of the fruit her] eyes will be opened, and [she] will be like God, knowing good and evil.” Even what has become known as the seven deadly sins, lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy, and pride, can be linked back to a general sense of self-centeredness. All of these have to do with fulfilling one’s pleasures and desires without regard toward others and their well being.

So how does any of this relate back to how NAFTA failed? From here my goal was to detail the promises that people welcomed with the passing of the agreement, from getting rid of tariffs to providing more jobs. Opening up Mexico’s economy meant that US companies could invest in expanding their businesses south of the border while helping to boost Mexico’s economic growth, and economic growth meant that more people would choose to stay in Mexico. The NAFTA would make winners out of everyone involved. As we know, the fact of the matter is that in the end, the only winners were on the American side. Illegal immigrants still flood over north of the border, and workers are exploited to maximize profit. I was hoping to detail the ways in which NAFTA failed in regards to Mexico’s economy, immigration, exploitation, and the environment. My argument is that all of these things can be attributed back to the self-centeredness so characteristic of man’s sinful human nature. Exploiting workers and the environment are obviously manifestations of man’s greed. To explore why exactly exploiting works could be considered a sin…Treating workers on a subpar level goes against the command for us to love our neighbors as ourselves, as stated several times throughout the Bible—Luke 10:27 being one of the verses off the top of my head. One thing I find ironic about that command is that God is being practical—technically we’re supposed to love God above all else, as we are commanded not to have any idols before Him according to the first commandment (found in Exodus). But the reality is that we fail at loving God more than anything else, and we love ourselves and put ourselves at the top of our priority lists. This is why it’s such a beautiful thing when we are selfless and are willing to serve others, whether it is out of humanitarian wishes or of a genuine love and care for others. Ruining the environment isn’t quite as obvious a sin as treating other people like trash. The argument here is that we have been charged from the beginning of time with the creation of Adam to take care of God’s creation. Clearly, this command is being ignored and neglected for the sake of financial gain. These are just a couple of examples of how man’s sinful nature can be blamed for NAFTA’s failure.

The solution to this failure is not an easy one, because there really isn’t one. As man’s sinful nature is inherent, it’s obviously something we will never really be rid of. But our hope comes with the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. In the Old Testament times, before Christ descended, the Israelites were forced to sacrifice unblemished animals in order to atone for their sins. Unfortunately, these animals only counted for so much and sacrifices had to be made on a regular basis because people would always sin as a result of their own state of sin. So when Christ came, He became what is now understood to be the ultimate sacrifice. He led a life untarnished by sinful human nature, never transgressing any moral or religious law as ordained by God and even His supernatural birth (detailed in the first four books of the New Testament) allowed Him to rise above the muck of human sinfulness. Man’s blood was the only sufficient blood that would atone for the sins of all mankind. In Romans 5:12 it is said that just as sin entered the world through one man, it would leave the world through one man. Jesus, as both man and both God, was enough to fully cover the sins of all men. That said, the only solution to this NAFTA problem would be to share the gospel with everyone and all work together toward the same goals of loving God, loving our neighbors, and living with the eternal perspective in mind. As I stated earlier, such a task is pretty much impossible. Therefore, I really don't know how we could remedy this failure in a practical way…which is why I’m choosing not to do anything related to political science now that I’ve completed my BA in Political Science. If anything, poli sci has opened my eyes to see the hopeless depravity of mankind and how much we all really do need Jesus.

My apologies for how this paper turned into a sermon-like essay. Initially I’d been really excited to write about something I truly believe in and care about for the first and last time ever in my life, but at this point I really can’t seem to find the drive to shape my thoughts into a neatly organized research paper. I hope that this was all at least somewhat interesting to you, even though it’s poorly written and isn’t thorough enough. I wanted to just give up and send you what I had finished, but I figured I should at least go through and explain what exactly it was that I wanted to argue. I know I’ve already given you a thank you card, but truly, thank you for helping me through this quarter. If this paper isn’t enough to boost my grade a few points to a passing level, that’s okay. I’ve messed up, and I understand I have to deal with the consequences. Thank you, professor. I wish you the best of luck and hopefully one day our paths will cross again.

You can ask me directly what I got on this paper/in this class--I'm not posting it here.

because June 30th marks the 3rd anniversary of that one accident...

I'd known the guy since I was a freshman in high school...which would be 2001-2002. In all honesty, I thought he was pretty dang cute. It wasn't until June of 2006 that I formally met him--I went to a birthday shindig as someone's date, and we sat next to each other at the restaurant. He was funny, but didn't really know when to stop sometimes. At one point I stood abruptly to escape to the bathroom--I called Michelle because I didn't know what else to do. By the end of the night, all was well again and we all agreed that we'd meet up the following weekend to watch a movie and hang out.

But that never happened.

That following Friday I was helping my dad out at his office, and there was some massive traffic on the way home. I remember seeing that the police had blocked Gilbert off from Artesia to Malvern, and I remember being annoyed at having to take an alternate route home. I remember seeing a few kids running up the hill and past the tape, and I remember grumbling at their stupidity...

I remember that evening, the day that we'd decided to hang out, I turned my cell phone off and I sat in my room reading. I didn't want to hang out or talk with anyone that day. But at one point of the evening, my mom told me that Michelle was on the line--she'd called my home phone. I remember thinking to myself that it was slightly odd, that she must have had something really important to say...and she did. She called to tell me that Elmer died earlier that day in a motorcycle accident...on Gilbert, between Artesia and Malvern. I believe he was about 21 at the time...

The kids running up the hill turned out to be friends of mine--they, along with Elmer, had met up at their church near Gilbert and Commonwealth for some meeting or another. They brought the wrong key, and Elmer volunteered to make a quick trip to pick up the right key.

He never picked up the key...

The following month, 17-year-old Tim died in a car accident. That was the first funeral I attended for someone I knew directly...I didn't have it in me to attend Elmer's for some reason.

And this all a year after 14-year-old Eugene died because of a fist-fight gone wrong. Eugene, who had been one of the seven acoustic guitarists on the praise team...who stopped attending Sarang for I don't even know what reason.

I don't really know why I'm typing this out right now. I guess it's something that's been in the back of my mind. I'm feeling ridiculously emo, but I'm grateful for the reminder...the reminder that life really is fleeting, and that we really never know what will ever happen. A reminder to be grateful for all things in life, to live always with a grateful heart. A reminder that we should be wise in the decisions we make, yet not to let ourselves get consumed by these decisions. A reminder as to why it is that I won't ever ride, date anyone who rides, or let my kids ride a motorcycle. A reminder that the reason people come and go is because some way or another, either we help them or they help us to look to the cross...a reminder that we live for the sake of the glory of God. A reminder that death is only the gate to the rest of eternity, that the one-time death of a body itself isn't as scary as the eternal death of a soul. A reminder that suffering is only bearable when we know that there is some kind of end in sight--and this not suicide, but knowing that if we press on, we'll survive. I've heard it said that hell is hell, in part, because that kind of suffering is eternal...and you can't even die to escape it--you've already died, you are dying, and you will continue to do so...that's intense.

A reminder to share the gospel not only for the sake of saving souls, but also for the sake of God's glory.

A reminder that it's only by God's grace that I am where I am today--spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally, literally, figuratively...

The three brothers mentioned above were professing Protestants, and for that I am grateful as well.

Hm. I don't really know how to end this entry...

Friends, let's not forget the eternal. Please? Let's not fall into what has become known as the silent exodus...as unfortunate as the sudden, unexpected deaths of these three brothers were, what would be more unfortunate would be the slow and subtle spiritual emaciation and deaths of those who seemed to walk so faithfully in their undergraduate years.

And please...

Don't let me stop fighting either.

because i want to remember

I am now officially part of BAM (Berean Adult Ministry). =]

We had a dinner/prayer/game night at the church office earlier. At one point during the night we split up into groups w/one graduate per group. The older brothers and sisters shared a few things with us to keep in mind as we transition from undergraduate life, and I wanted to have it somewhere so I won't forget.

In the order that they shared--

Hannah Lee...to rise above the influence of others. =]

Lynna Kim...not to be self reliant.

Becky Park...to be sure of what I believe in.

Semee Choe...not to get consumed by work and all that comes with it.

Melissa Wong...to be the initiator and to be intentional in regards to friendships & meeting up.

Pastor Peter Kim...two things that really play a part in post-collegiate faithfulness: (1) attitude toward God's word and (2) genuine fellowship; this entails being deliberate in friendships that have no room for Christ and/or developing ones that are centered around Him.

Alex Han...pride & humility in the small things.

Almost all of the time, experience is my most memorable teacher. But it wouldn't hurt to learn from the experiences of older brothers and sisters as well...

In all honesty, I'm a bit nervous about being a part of BAM. I just really hope I don't screw up...haha.

because i'm so undeniably blessed

with a blood related family of solid believers.

Here's the video my mom linked me to in a comment to my previous entry (past 2am--I believe I've inherited my night owlish tendencies from her =P).  It's entitled "The Story Behind: 'It Is Well With My Soul'"--watch it.

=]

I love that my parents are so tech-savvy. They're so cool...^^

because it is well

When peace like a river attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll
What ever my lot you have taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul

Though the devil will ruin, though trials may come
Let this blessed assurance control
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate
And He shed His own blood for my soul

It is well, with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul

My sin, oh the joy of this glorious thought
My sin not in part but the whole
Is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, oh my soul

It is well, with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul

It is well with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul

And Lord haste the day when my faith shall be sight
And the clouds be rolled back as a scroll
The trump shall resound and the Lord shall descend
Even so, it is well with my soul

It is well with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul

because I live in the midst of worldly collegians

::edited::
note to self: extra grace required in my attitude toward obnoxious neighbors...


...and perhaps an occasional noise complaint.

.-.

because i keep forgetting to post

Lately I've been having a lot of conversations that I've been wanting to post about.

Lately I've been learning a lot, being reminded of a lot.

But lately I've been slacking in terms of updating my blog.

And...yes.

I'm tired. I was planning on posting something at least a little bit more substantial than this, but that's definitely not going to happen.

G'nite =]

Testing...apparently i can post directly from my phone. How cool is that?? :D

because we know that people always come and go

But they leave memories that won't ever fade.

I can't believe it's already been a year since I did that song with Alex....and his wifebeater. Good times.........

haha. =]

Anyway.

I keep thinking about how people come and people go--and it's not just a matter of physical distance either.

Friendships start, then they end.

Classmates one quarter, strangers the next.

People click, the connection fades.

Roommates one year, awkward acquaintances the next.

..you get the picture.

Sometimes I catch myself thinking of what used to be and how things have changed. I wonder at how I could have been a better friend, and I'm saddened at how I neglected various relationships.

And then I start to regret.

But then I have to remind myself--It happens! That's life. Besides, there's no way I could maintain whatever apparently close relationships I've had in the past and I have in the present if none of them ever faded away...unless I was God.

Hm.

As the quarter draws to an end, and as I consider what to do for graduation (post graduation pizza party get together?), I wonder about who it is I'll keep in touch with once I'm gone. Granted, I'm not actually gone 'til the end of summer, but even so...who will come and who will go from now 'til then? I'd like to say that those individuals with whom I believe I'll still maintain relationships think the same of me, but even then we don't know that that's what's going to happen. Chances are, time and distance will do what they do best, and we'll all be left with more memories of people who have come and gone. But then we have the hope that this cycle is infinite (well. as long as we're able) and that as long as people go, there will be some who come.

So. Where do we go from here? What do I do now, knowing that those I hold close will no longer be as long as time progresses?

There's not much we can do. So. As long as you're here in my life and I in yours, let's make this time worth remembering. Let's do our best to make these memories ones that will be revisited with fondness. And whatever we do, let's do what we can to be sure that God is glorified...though it'll happen regardless of us and our efforts.

I'm almost done. Let's make this good. =]

because it's really coming to an end..

5.17.07
CCM Senior Banquet
Cerritos Senior Center

Wonderful.

Thank you.

Pictures to come? Perhaps. =]

Or maybe another post about clothing racks and jeans.

For now, just this. The end!

because it died in its sleep

...my phone, that is.

It's ironic, really. I kicked it, threw it, dropped it, and even got it wet. Yet somehow, when my phone finally died, it was at night when I had it plugged into the charger. Ha.

Anyway, I just wanted to let y'all know that my phone is no longer functional. I'll be phone-less for just a day, though. =] I'm getting a new one on Monday.

That is all.

because I want to let you know what's up

At one point in time the most popular question people asked of me was something along the lines of, "What are you doing after you graduate?"

I'd pause for a moment to mull over my word choice and lamely reply, "Actually...I haven't quite gotten that figured out yet..." after which the conversation might putter to an awkwardly abrupt halt.


These days it's become a more easily answered, "Where have you been?"

In response I would have to reply with a boring, "I've just been at home..."

Slightly puzzled as to why I might restrict myself to the confines of my humble college abode, some clarification might be sought after.

"Irvine home, or Home home?" she asks, as if there should be something more appealing at the thought of being back at "Home home".

Perhaps the questioner was looking for an explanation of sorts--"I've been back at home home because..."

But to her disappointment, I would simply state, "Both." And the already feeble movement of the conversation would do little more than twitch to a halt with a last, "Oh, I see..."


Another set of questions I've noticed is, "How have you been? Were you sick?'

Hm. Those are two very good questions; not to say that the others are particularly lacking. If I were to answer these questions honestly, I would definitely have to explain myself a little bit. My response might be something like, "You know, for a while I didn't know how I was doing. Somehow I wasn't really sure. Now I know with certainty that to say I haven't been doing well is a bit of an understatement. As for the second question, I guess you can say that I was sick--but not your typical runny nose and sneezing sick. Whatever the case, it's safe to say that I've been unwell in more ways than one."

Her curiosity piqued by the vagueness so evident in my response, she asks, "What do you mean when say you've been 'unwell in more ways than one?"

I go on and explain, "Well...I mean, there was a period of a couple of weeks when I had a few odd symptoms that would come and go. Sometimes I'd just sit in my room in silence--one of the symptoms was hypersensitive hearing, and at times even the sound of my own voice was painful to hear. And then I guess there's that emotional aspect too. I recognized within myself something reminiscent of the panicked desperation that most individuals only experience as young children in a department store. The sensation was not unlike the cold wave of fear that comes with the realization that while you were exploring the depths of a circular clothing rack, you've been left behind and your guardian is nowhere in sight."

"Hm..." The questioner mentally turns the situation over in her mind in an attempt to get a firmer grasp on my meaning. "Then it's like...you feel that near-hysterical sense of heart pounding adrenaline pumping through your veins?"

Amused at the effort, I reply, "Not quite. Reminiscent of that...it's more like you want to go look for the familiar belt loops of your guardian's blue denim jeans, but you're not sure exactly where to go. So you glance around what you can see of the store, but all you see is a pair of black jeans standing at the next rack over. It's kind of like a panic muted with an attempt at staying rational. But then you have that sense of abandoned hysteria ready to overwhelm your senses once you succumb to defeat."

Now the illustration doesn't even really make sense anymore. What kind of kid would try to stay calm when they fear that they've been abandoned? The real response would be that the kid would start bawling with panic, heedless of who it is that might pick them up. Regardless of what the reality may be, the questioner nods thoughtfully and asks, "Alrite...so you have this sensation that you're desperately in need of those blue jeans, but you're doing your best not to go nuts. Now what?"

Satisfied with her interpretation, I continue, "There's a decision to be made--do you wail and scream until anybody comes and finds you, in hopes that they can reunite you with the blue jeans? Or do you stay around the rack and watch for them, believing that they'll come back to find you? And then there's the option of braving the vast multitudes of clothing racks and finding the blue jeans yourself. None of these options is really a surefire way to rid yourself of this awful feeling, and there's always that fear of just worsening your situation to no avail."

At this point the other person realizes I'm just nuts, but she's been assigned to me; she can't just walk away and leave me by myself to wallow in my insanity. So regardless of my questionable mental health stability and slightly amused at where this whole illustration is going, she questions, "So? Which is it? What did you decide to do?"

I smile and answer, "None of the above."

Ever so slightly flabbergasted at the ridiculousness of this entire conversation and illustration, she exclaims, "How is that even possible? What'd you do? Ignore it all and just sleep?"

Amused at this fourth choice she introduced, I tell her, "Actually, I did precisely that! I figured that the decision could be made later and that I could sleep it off for at least a little bit. But remember that abandoned hysteria?" She nods, and I continue, "Well. That definitely makes for a restless sleep. I woke up panicking when I tried that. So just ignoring it and trying to sleep was definitely not a good option."

This time there is no verbal reply, but the pinched corners of her mouth speak volumes; she's more than ready for me to conclude.

Eager to share how this situation was resolved, I explained, "In the end I didn't really know what to do. I don't think I was desperate enough to wail and draw unwanted attention to myself, but I wasn't quite sure I wanted to go and find those darn blue jeans myself. So in a sense, I stayed in a state of pseudo-indecision and hoped that I would see those blue jeans making their way back toward me. But that never happened..."

The impatience that had been tugging at the corners of her mouth soften and travel to raise her eyebrow quizzically.

I can't help but smile at this point. "You see, the blue jeans never showed up, but the black ones standing at the next rack over, the ones that I had been seeing from the beginning...well. Thinking back on it now, I realize I saw them approaching me in my peripheral vision. But I was so busy looking out for the blue jeans that I didn't even notice that the black jeans were right next to me until they squatted to get down to my eye level. And then an overwhelming sense of relief washed over me as I realized how foolish I had been. Even though I thought I was keeping my panic to a minimum with my rationality, it wasn't quite enough. In my confusion I had forgotten that the blue jeans weren't the only ones I'd come with; blue jeans, black jeans and I were all part of the same group. This whole time I'd been waiting for the blue jeans to come find me when all along the black jeans were keeping their eyes on me."

I'm finally done talking, and in my mind the illustration is complete. And I smile dumbly by myself, amused at how such a foolish mistake caused me so much grief.

The silence remains unbroken for several more awkward seconds, but I am oblivious to it; I'm just glad I have my black jeans.

Miss questioner clears her throat, and it's clear that she's reluctant to ask me any more questions. But she has to make sure I'm at least somewhat okay, despite my obvious mental instability. "So...does that mean you're doing well now?"

She studies my face carefully as I consider how things are right now; she's probably fearful of the next illustration I might share with her. I look her straight in the eye and I can see her tense up when I answer, "No...no, I can't say that I'm doing well. For one thing, I haven't slept in a while. I think I woke up at around 9am on Friday...which means I've been up for about 27.5 hours. If you haven't already noticed, I'm pretty ridiculously delusional. Haha..but in all seriousness, my answer remains the same. I'm not well, but I'll get there eventually. Black jeans are great, but God is better."

Relieved at such a simple, relatively straightforward answer, she smiles and says, "That's good, I'm glad. Well, I have to get going now...this ridiculously nonsensical story is ending and my existence is solely dependent on this blog entry alone."

I check the time on my iPod and grimace. "Ah, I know. You should have left a long time ago--I can't believe it's already 12:30pm...hm. I should probably get going too--I haven't eaten anything since I had dinner with Garnet last night at Thai Spice. Oh...and I should definitely go work on that research proposal...and slideshow. Goodness gracious me. Where did all the time run away to?" I look up from my iPod, only to see that I am left alone in my thoughts.

"I can't believe I stood here rambling on and on and on about a kid staring at black and blue jeans. I'm definitely going crazy...so much so that I don't even want to publish this post! But...what can you do? Chances are, no one's going to read this far anyway. And if they do?


...I'm so sorry."