because I like Wordpress better

As much as I've enjoyed posting here on Blogger, I have to admit that I really like Wordpress better for various reasons.

Here's my new blog--

http://christinajina.wordpress.com/

I'll add a code to automatically redirect traffic to my new blog soon. For now, I'll just leave it up to you to click over. =]

because it says in Hebrews 2--

¹Therefore we must pay much closer attention to what we have heard, lest we drift away from it. ²For since the message declared by angels proved to be reliable, and every transgression or disobedience received a just retribution, ³ how shall we escape if we neglect such a great salvation?

and

¹⁷Therefore he had to be made like his brothers in every respect, so that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in the service of God, to make propitiation for the sins of the people. ¹⁸For because he himself has suffered when tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.

PTL. I woke up to my alarm at 6am this morning, albeit very confused at being awoken after having not slept...or so it felt.

=]

because I'm a little worried

I've been hearing ringing in my ears often as of late...

I got in bed at 10pm, fell asleep for a bit, woke up at 11pm, and now am having trouble falling back asleep. The ringing in my ears was driving me nuts, and my ears seem to be a tad sensitive...

It's all very reminiscent of the beginnings of the storm that rocked me 3-4 months ago.

Pray for me, please.

because I am a proud mocker

to be mocked. And because I'm just another person, but I certainly don't act like it.

Yes, I am indeed a creation of God, and yes, there isn't another Christina Jina Lee out there quite like me. Yes, I am one of a kind, and yes, I have the potential to be somewhat influential in the lives of those around me.

But...

No, I am not any better than the people I surround myself with, and no, that doesn't necessarily make me worse than those people. No, it's not true that I am irreplaceable, and no, nobody really needs me.

I s'pose it all boils down to something I lack and too often forget to strive for--humility. Sometimes I feel like all of our sin issues can simply be attributed back to pride and being self centered.

My dad is a prime example of one who is extremely humble. At first glance it may appear that he's a pushover, that he's soft spoken and that he's naive and too trusting. But in reality, behind that veneer of apparent weakness is a solid character built upon a foundation of all that goodness listed in Galatians 5:22-23. He is loving, joyful, patient, kind, and faithful. He exudes peace and also acts as a peacemaker, and makes sure to be self-controlled in the way he goes about dealing with conflicts and emotions. He is gentle but confident, knowing that he doesn't have to fight to prove himself or his opinions at every challenge.

I, on the other hand...

...let's just say that I lack. Period.

I've commented in the past that so-and-so needs to toppled off his/her pedestal, implying that whoever it was needed to be humbled and to acknowledge the fact that (s)he really isn't as great as (s)he believes him/herself to be. And yet...

...here I am, standing atop my pedestal, head held high by a false sense of self-confidence and back straightened by self-centered pride.

I think it's about time someone knocked me down and gave me a reality check.

So what now? Now that I know I've been pushed to the ground, do I scramble back up to reach that pedestal again? Do I dust myself off and pretend like nothing's happened, assuming that same haughty posture once again? Do I wallow in self-pity for a couple of days, then let myself be satisfied that I've at least identified this problem?

It's one thing to realize my flaws...

...it's another to do something about it.

I can't really say that I can identify any simple solutions to this issue. It's really a matter of having an extreme attitude makeover--and any kind of extreme makeover is always tough and trying.

Like clay in the hands of a potter, so I am in the hands of God.

Cast me not away from Thy presence, oh Lord

Take not Thy Holy Spirit from me

Restore unto me the joy of Thy salvation

And renew a right spirit within me

because i keep oversleeping

augh...

I woke up today at 8:40am. Yesterday I woke up at 8:40am. Monday and Tuesday? I'm not sure when, but definitely not 6:00am.

...

Friends, I've been trying to wake up by 6:00am so I could start off my day with Pastor Aaron, Sharon Lee, and whoever else might be at Starbucks for "Don't Waste Your Summer" at 7:00am.

-_-;;

But you know, as much as I've failed to attend this past week, it's still a huge improvement from what my sleeping schedule used to be like. I went from sleeping anywhere between 2am and 5am and waking up between 10am to 12:30pm to sleeping before 1am and waking up before 9am...not bad!

Anyway, that's all I wanted to post for now. I realize it's been a while since I've posted anything substantial, but that will come sooner or later......

=]

because i consistently fail to

seek and find that ever elusive happy medium.

I don't know how many sentences I just typed out and backspaced, typed and backspaced, typed and backspaced...

Where do I even begin?

The way my life should be is defined by many sets of happy mediums...and I have found none of them as of now.

For now, the most pertinent happy medium is that I need to calm down and take more time to rest and (spiritually & physically) recuperate, but I need to make sure not to hole up and shut the world out either.

That is all.

because it's VBS season

A brother wrote an entry on what constitutes a successful VBS and I thought I'd share it with you.

Hope he doesn't mind. =]

because i want to keep my spending to a minimum

When I'm not in class or at work, I'll be at the pool, the beach, or Disneyland. =]

I have many pictures I want to edit and post...I hope to get to all of them over the course of this summer.

For now, here's one of my favorites--

the brother & me @ Ruth's Chris Steakhouse on Michelson after my graduation

Here's to summer! =]

Let's beach/pool/Disneyland it!! ^^

because I wanted to...

...share with you how ridiculous I was. This is my last undergraduate research paper...

Christina J. Lee (ID# ********)

(removed class & professor name)

15 June 2009 (note: this was the week after finals...submitted ridiculously late)

NAFTA: Another Good Idea Gone Bad

With the passing of the North American Free Trade Agreement, various legitimate sources were quick to publish articles praising the NAFTA and the benefits that all participating parties would share. In an article published in July of 1992, The New York Times claimed that this agreement “promised jobs, wealth, and economic activity throughout the continent.” In September of the following year, it was said in the Washington Post that “the list of new opportunities and advantages is a long one.” Regardless of the praises the NAFTA has received over the years, only time would tell whether such claims would come to fruition or not. Looking back over these fifteen years that have trickled by, it is undeniable that the NAFTA has hugely impacted the continent and its economic goings on. Unfortunately, the changes that have come to pass are overwhelmingly negative, and these destructive consequences are not only limited to the economic realm. NAFTA and its results have been so potent that they have poisoned everything from the environment and foreign relations to the daily lives of hardworking individuals. But the initial praises of NAFTA could not have been completely unfounded, and it was an agreement that had been signed by leaders who are hoped to have had the best intentions of their people and nations at heart. With that in mind, one cannot help but wonder—what exactly is it that went wrong? If the Washington Post’s sentiments in believing that the NAFTA could bring about great opportunities and advantages were echoed as they were, chances are that the agreement started out as something to be looked upon with hope from all over the continent. It could be said that the details of NAFTA were simply shortsighted, and that its failures could not have been predicted, rendering the avoidance of such negative consequences impossible from the start. Still others have said that it was xenophobia that helped get the NAFTA passed, and that it is this xenophobia that caused NAFTA to ultimately crumble and fail (Faux). Though these points are valid, they do not quite reach down to the basic root of why NAFTA failed. Whether it is shortsightedness or xenophobia, it all boils down to the fact that NAFTA failed because man is inherently sinful.

Before the sinful nature of man can be pinned for the failure of NAFTA, the term “sin” must first be defined. According to The American Heritage dictionary, sin is either “a transgression of a religious or moral law” or “something shameful or wrong.” The Merriam-Webster dictionary says that sin can also be defined as “an often serious shortcoming.” While these definitions are what most people would most commonly think of in an attempt to define so abstract a term, they are inadequate for the purposes of defining man’s inherent sinfulness. The Merriam-Webster definition is probably the most secular definition in the sense that it causes sin to appear as something that can be helped and that it is apart from the norm. The word “shortcoming” implies that sin is a character fault that individuals deal with on a case-by-case basis and that it is not an ever-present malady of the soul, and does little to shed light on the inherency of sin. Ironically, Merriam-Webster also provides the definition of sin that is most closely aligned with the Protestant worldview. Sin is “ a vitiated state of human nature in which the self is estranged from God.” In other words, sin is not just an isolated action or a mistake someone makes every once in a while; it is a state of being. But this is not a state of being that only afflicts a select group of people—no individual is exempt because sin as a state of human nature is inherent in all men.

According to Romans 5:12 in the New International Version of the Bible, “sin entered the world through one man” whose name was Adam. Advocates and believers of creationism believe that Adam was the first man to be created, according to Genesis 1:7. As it is detailed in the beginning verses of Genesis, before sin and corruption entered the world the earth and all its inhabitants existed in peace and without hardship. This peace and simplicity of life could be attributed to the fact that Adam and his wife Eve lived with childlike innocence. Countless parents can attest to the fact that at one time or another, their children have run around naked in utter joy because they simply have no idea that they should be covering up. It is even emphasized in Genesis 1:25 that “they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.” Shame and all things negative entered the world as a result of the fall. The garden in which Adam and Eve resided contained what was known as the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, the only thing that God had forbade the couple to eat from (Genesis 1:17). Unfortunately, the devil in serpent form tempts Eve and she eventually gives in, taking from the tree and even giving it to her husband. True to its name, the fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil opened the eyes of those who partook of it, and the first thing the couple did was to cover themselves up in shame. Ultimately, all parties involved are cursed as a result of this transgression—it is the combination of the transgression and subsequent curse that caused man to exist in a state of hardship, turmoil, and of course, sin.

Sin is most comprehensively defined as a human state of being, but its consequences and manifestations are what people generally believe to be sin. To define it simply, the manifestations of sin can be summed up into one general category—that of self-centeredness. It is only fitting that this is the case, considering the fact that it was a matter of selfish ambition and desire that caused Eve to eat of the forbidden fruit. The serpent played on her self-centeredness when he said in Genesis 3:5 that “God knows that in the day [she eats of the fruit her] eyes will be opened, and [she] will be like God, knowing good and evil.” Even what has become known as the seven deadly sins, lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy, and pride, can be linked back to a general sense of self-centeredness. All of these have to do with fulfilling one’s pleasures and desires without regard toward others and their well being.

So how does any of this relate back to how NAFTA failed? From here my goal was to detail the promises that people welcomed with the passing of the agreement, from getting rid of tariffs to providing more jobs. Opening up Mexico’s economy meant that US companies could invest in expanding their businesses south of the border while helping to boost Mexico’s economic growth, and economic growth meant that more people would choose to stay in Mexico. The NAFTA would make winners out of everyone involved. As we know, the fact of the matter is that in the end, the only winners were on the American side. Illegal immigrants still flood over north of the border, and workers are exploited to maximize profit. I was hoping to detail the ways in which NAFTA failed in regards to Mexico’s economy, immigration, exploitation, and the environment. My argument is that all of these things can be attributed back to the self-centeredness so characteristic of man’s sinful human nature. Exploiting workers and the environment are obviously manifestations of man’s greed. To explore why exactly exploiting works could be considered a sin…Treating workers on a subpar level goes against the command for us to love our neighbors as ourselves, as stated several times throughout the Bible—Luke 10:27 being one of the verses off the top of my head. One thing I find ironic about that command is that God is being practical—technically we’re supposed to love God above all else, as we are commanded not to have any idols before Him according to the first commandment (found in Exodus). But the reality is that we fail at loving God more than anything else, and we love ourselves and put ourselves at the top of our priority lists. This is why it’s such a beautiful thing when we are selfless and are willing to serve others, whether it is out of humanitarian wishes or of a genuine love and care for others. Ruining the environment isn’t quite as obvious a sin as treating other people like trash. The argument here is that we have been charged from the beginning of time with the creation of Adam to take care of God’s creation. Clearly, this command is being ignored and neglected for the sake of financial gain. These are just a couple of examples of how man’s sinful nature can be blamed for NAFTA’s failure.

The solution to this failure is not an easy one, because there really isn’t one. As man’s sinful nature is inherent, it’s obviously something we will never really be rid of. But our hope comes with the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. In the Old Testament times, before Christ descended, the Israelites were forced to sacrifice unblemished animals in order to atone for their sins. Unfortunately, these animals only counted for so much and sacrifices had to be made on a regular basis because people would always sin as a result of their own state of sin. So when Christ came, He became what is now understood to be the ultimate sacrifice. He led a life untarnished by sinful human nature, never transgressing any moral or religious law as ordained by God and even His supernatural birth (detailed in the first four books of the New Testament) allowed Him to rise above the muck of human sinfulness. Man’s blood was the only sufficient blood that would atone for the sins of all mankind. In Romans 5:12 it is said that just as sin entered the world through one man, it would leave the world through one man. Jesus, as both man and both God, was enough to fully cover the sins of all men. That said, the only solution to this NAFTA problem would be to share the gospel with everyone and all work together toward the same goals of loving God, loving our neighbors, and living with the eternal perspective in mind. As I stated earlier, such a task is pretty much impossible. Therefore, I really don't know how we could remedy this failure in a practical way…which is why I’m choosing not to do anything related to political science now that I’ve completed my BA in Political Science. If anything, poli sci has opened my eyes to see the hopeless depravity of mankind and how much we all really do need Jesus.

My apologies for how this paper turned into a sermon-like essay. Initially I’d been really excited to write about something I truly believe in and care about for the first and last time ever in my life, but at this point I really can’t seem to find the drive to shape my thoughts into a neatly organized research paper. I hope that this was all at least somewhat interesting to you, even though it’s poorly written and isn’t thorough enough. I wanted to just give up and send you what I had finished, but I figured I should at least go through and explain what exactly it was that I wanted to argue. I know I’ve already given you a thank you card, but truly, thank you for helping me through this quarter. If this paper isn’t enough to boost my grade a few points to a passing level, that’s okay. I’ve messed up, and I understand I have to deal with the consequences. Thank you, professor. I wish you the best of luck and hopefully one day our paths will cross again.

You can ask me directly what I got on this paper/in this class--I'm not posting it here.

because June 30th marks the 3rd anniversary of that one accident...

I'd known the guy since I was a freshman in high school...which would be 2001-2002. In all honesty, I thought he was pretty dang cute. It wasn't until June of 2006 that I formally met him--I went to a birthday shindig as someone's date, and we sat next to each other at the restaurant. He was funny, but didn't really know when to stop sometimes. At one point I stood abruptly to escape to the bathroom--I called Michelle because I didn't know what else to do. By the end of the night, all was well again and we all agreed that we'd meet up the following weekend to watch a movie and hang out.

But that never happened.

That following Friday I was helping my dad out at his office, and there was some massive traffic on the way home. I remember seeing that the police had blocked Gilbert off from Artesia to Malvern, and I remember being annoyed at having to take an alternate route home. I remember seeing a few kids running up the hill and past the tape, and I remember grumbling at their stupidity...

I remember that evening, the day that we'd decided to hang out, I turned my cell phone off and I sat in my room reading. I didn't want to hang out or talk with anyone that day. But at one point of the evening, my mom told me that Michelle was on the line--she'd called my home phone. I remember thinking to myself that it was slightly odd, that she must have had something really important to say...and she did. She called to tell me that Elmer died earlier that day in a motorcycle accident...on Gilbert, between Artesia and Malvern. I believe he was about 21 at the time...

The kids running up the hill turned out to be friends of mine--they, along with Elmer, had met up at their church near Gilbert and Commonwealth for some meeting or another. They brought the wrong key, and Elmer volunteered to make a quick trip to pick up the right key.

He never picked up the key...

The following month, 17-year-old Tim died in a car accident. That was the first funeral I attended for someone I knew directly...I didn't have it in me to attend Elmer's for some reason.

And this all a year after 14-year-old Eugene died because of a fist-fight gone wrong. Eugene, who had been one of the seven acoustic guitarists on the praise team...who stopped attending Sarang for I don't even know what reason.

I don't really know why I'm typing this out right now. I guess it's something that's been in the back of my mind. I'm feeling ridiculously emo, but I'm grateful for the reminder...the reminder that life really is fleeting, and that we really never know what will ever happen. A reminder to be grateful for all things in life, to live always with a grateful heart. A reminder that we should be wise in the decisions we make, yet not to let ourselves get consumed by these decisions. A reminder as to why it is that I won't ever ride, date anyone who rides, or let my kids ride a motorcycle. A reminder that the reason people come and go is because some way or another, either we help them or they help us to look to the cross...a reminder that we live for the sake of the glory of God. A reminder that death is only the gate to the rest of eternity, that the one-time death of a body itself isn't as scary as the eternal death of a soul. A reminder that suffering is only bearable when we know that there is some kind of end in sight--and this not suicide, but knowing that if we press on, we'll survive. I've heard it said that hell is hell, in part, because that kind of suffering is eternal...and you can't even die to escape it--you've already died, you are dying, and you will continue to do so...that's intense.

A reminder to share the gospel not only for the sake of saving souls, but also for the sake of God's glory.

A reminder that it's only by God's grace that I am where I am today--spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally, literally, figuratively...

The three brothers mentioned above were professing Protestants, and for that I am grateful as well.

Hm. I don't really know how to end this entry...

Friends, let's not forget the eternal. Please? Let's not fall into what has become known as the silent exodus...as unfortunate as the sudden, unexpected deaths of these three brothers were, what would be more unfortunate would be the slow and subtle spiritual emaciation and deaths of those who seemed to walk so faithfully in their undergraduate years.

And please...

Don't let me stop fighting either.

because i want to remember

I am now officially part of BAM (Berean Adult Ministry). =]

We had a dinner/prayer/game night at the church office earlier. At one point during the night we split up into groups w/one graduate per group. The older brothers and sisters shared a few things with us to keep in mind as we transition from undergraduate life, and I wanted to have it somewhere so I won't forget.

In the order that they shared--

Hannah Lee...to rise above the influence of others. =]

Lynna Kim...not to be self reliant.

Becky Park...to be sure of what I believe in.

Semee Choe...not to get consumed by work and all that comes with it.

Melissa Wong...to be the initiator and to be intentional in regards to friendships & meeting up.

Pastor Peter Kim...two things that really play a part in post-collegiate faithfulness: (1) attitude toward God's word and (2) genuine fellowship; this entails being deliberate in friendships that have no room for Christ and/or developing ones that are centered around Him.

Alex Han...pride & humility in the small things.

Almost all of the time, experience is my most memorable teacher. But it wouldn't hurt to learn from the experiences of older brothers and sisters as well...

In all honesty, I'm a bit nervous about being a part of BAM. I just really hope I don't screw up...haha.

because i'm so undeniably blessed

with a blood related family of solid believers.

Here's the video my mom linked me to in a comment to my previous entry (past 2am--I believe I've inherited my night owlish tendencies from her =P).  It's entitled "The Story Behind: 'It Is Well With My Soul'"--watch it.

=]

I love that my parents are so tech-savvy. They're so cool...^^

because it is well

When peace like a river attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll
What ever my lot you have taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul

Though the devil will ruin, though trials may come
Let this blessed assurance control
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate
And He shed His own blood for my soul

It is well, with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul

My sin, oh the joy of this glorious thought
My sin not in part but the whole
Is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, oh my soul

It is well, with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul

It is well with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul

And Lord haste the day when my faith shall be sight
And the clouds be rolled back as a scroll
The trump shall resound and the Lord shall descend
Even so, it is well with my soul

It is well with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul

because I live in the midst of worldly collegians

::edited::
note to self: extra grace required in my attitude toward obnoxious neighbors...


...and perhaps an occasional noise complaint.

.-.

because i keep forgetting to post

Lately I've been having a lot of conversations that I've been wanting to post about.

Lately I've been learning a lot, being reminded of a lot.

But lately I've been slacking in terms of updating my blog.

And...yes.

I'm tired. I was planning on posting something at least a little bit more substantial than this, but that's definitely not going to happen.

G'nite =]

Testing...apparently i can post directly from my phone. How cool is that?? :D

because we know that people always come and go

But they leave memories that won't ever fade.

I can't believe it's already been a year since I did that song with Alex....and his wifebeater. Good times.........

haha. =]

Anyway.

I keep thinking about how people come and people go--and it's not just a matter of physical distance either.

Friendships start, then they end.

Classmates one quarter, strangers the next.

People click, the connection fades.

Roommates one year, awkward acquaintances the next.

..you get the picture.

Sometimes I catch myself thinking of what used to be and how things have changed. I wonder at how I could have been a better friend, and I'm saddened at how I neglected various relationships.

And then I start to regret.

But then I have to remind myself--It happens! That's life. Besides, there's no way I could maintain whatever apparently close relationships I've had in the past and I have in the present if none of them ever faded away...unless I was God.

Hm.

As the quarter draws to an end, and as I consider what to do for graduation (post graduation pizza party get together?), I wonder about who it is I'll keep in touch with once I'm gone. Granted, I'm not actually gone 'til the end of summer, but even so...who will come and who will go from now 'til then? I'd like to say that those individuals with whom I believe I'll still maintain relationships think the same of me, but even then we don't know that that's what's going to happen. Chances are, time and distance will do what they do best, and we'll all be left with more memories of people who have come and gone. But then we have the hope that this cycle is infinite (well. as long as we're able) and that as long as people go, there will be some who come.

So. Where do we go from here? What do I do now, knowing that those I hold close will no longer be as long as time progresses?

There's not much we can do. So. As long as you're here in my life and I in yours, let's make this time worth remembering. Let's do our best to make these memories ones that will be revisited with fondness. And whatever we do, let's do what we can to be sure that God is glorified...though it'll happen regardless of us and our efforts.

I'm almost done. Let's make this good. =]

because it's really coming to an end..

5.17.07
CCM Senior Banquet
Cerritos Senior Center

Wonderful.

Thank you.

Pictures to come? Perhaps. =]

Or maybe another post about clothing racks and jeans.

For now, just this. The end!

because it died in its sleep

...my phone, that is.

It's ironic, really. I kicked it, threw it, dropped it, and even got it wet. Yet somehow, when my phone finally died, it was at night when I had it plugged into the charger. Ha.

Anyway, I just wanted to let y'all know that my phone is no longer functional. I'll be phone-less for just a day, though. =] I'm getting a new one on Monday.

That is all.

because I want to let you know what's up

At one point in time the most popular question people asked of me was something along the lines of, "What are you doing after you graduate?"

I'd pause for a moment to mull over my word choice and lamely reply, "Actually...I haven't quite gotten that figured out yet..." after which the conversation might putter to an awkwardly abrupt halt.


These days it's become a more easily answered, "Where have you been?"

In response I would have to reply with a boring, "I've just been at home..."

Slightly puzzled as to why I might restrict myself to the confines of my humble college abode, some clarification might be sought after.

"Irvine home, or Home home?" she asks, as if there should be something more appealing at the thought of being back at "Home home".

Perhaps the questioner was looking for an explanation of sorts--"I've been back at home home because..."

But to her disappointment, I would simply state, "Both." And the already feeble movement of the conversation would do little more than twitch to a halt with a last, "Oh, I see..."


Another set of questions I've noticed is, "How have you been? Were you sick?'

Hm. Those are two very good questions; not to say that the others are particularly lacking. If I were to answer these questions honestly, I would definitely have to explain myself a little bit. My response might be something like, "You know, for a while I didn't know how I was doing. Somehow I wasn't really sure. Now I know with certainty that to say I haven't been doing well is a bit of an understatement. As for the second question, I guess you can say that I was sick--but not your typical runny nose and sneezing sick. Whatever the case, it's safe to say that I've been unwell in more ways than one."

Her curiosity piqued by the vagueness so evident in my response, she asks, "What do you mean when say you've been 'unwell in more ways than one?"

I go on and explain, "Well...I mean, there was a period of a couple of weeks when I had a few odd symptoms that would come and go. Sometimes I'd just sit in my room in silence--one of the symptoms was hypersensitive hearing, and at times even the sound of my own voice was painful to hear. And then I guess there's that emotional aspect too. I recognized within myself something reminiscent of the panicked desperation that most individuals only experience as young children in a department store. The sensation was not unlike the cold wave of fear that comes with the realization that while you were exploring the depths of a circular clothing rack, you've been left behind and your guardian is nowhere in sight."

"Hm..." The questioner mentally turns the situation over in her mind in an attempt to get a firmer grasp on my meaning. "Then it's like...you feel that near-hysterical sense of heart pounding adrenaline pumping through your veins?"

Amused at the effort, I reply, "Not quite. Reminiscent of that...it's more like you want to go look for the familiar belt loops of your guardian's blue denim jeans, but you're not sure exactly where to go. So you glance around what you can see of the store, but all you see is a pair of black jeans standing at the next rack over. It's kind of like a panic muted with an attempt at staying rational. But then you have that sense of abandoned hysteria ready to overwhelm your senses once you succumb to defeat."

Now the illustration doesn't even really make sense anymore. What kind of kid would try to stay calm when they fear that they've been abandoned? The real response would be that the kid would start bawling with panic, heedless of who it is that might pick them up. Regardless of what the reality may be, the questioner nods thoughtfully and asks, "Alrite...so you have this sensation that you're desperately in need of those blue jeans, but you're doing your best not to go nuts. Now what?"

Satisfied with her interpretation, I continue, "There's a decision to be made--do you wail and scream until anybody comes and finds you, in hopes that they can reunite you with the blue jeans? Or do you stay around the rack and watch for them, believing that they'll come back to find you? And then there's the option of braving the vast multitudes of clothing racks and finding the blue jeans yourself. None of these options is really a surefire way to rid yourself of this awful feeling, and there's always that fear of just worsening your situation to no avail."

At this point the other person realizes I'm just nuts, but she's been assigned to me; she can't just walk away and leave me by myself to wallow in my insanity. So regardless of my questionable mental health stability and slightly amused at where this whole illustration is going, she questions, "So? Which is it? What did you decide to do?"

I smile and answer, "None of the above."

Ever so slightly flabbergasted at the ridiculousness of this entire conversation and illustration, she exclaims, "How is that even possible? What'd you do? Ignore it all and just sleep?"

Amused at this fourth choice she introduced, I tell her, "Actually, I did precisely that! I figured that the decision could be made later and that I could sleep it off for at least a little bit. But remember that abandoned hysteria?" She nods, and I continue, "Well. That definitely makes for a restless sleep. I woke up panicking when I tried that. So just ignoring it and trying to sleep was definitely not a good option."

This time there is no verbal reply, but the pinched corners of her mouth speak volumes; she's more than ready for me to conclude.

Eager to share how this situation was resolved, I explained, "In the end I didn't really know what to do. I don't think I was desperate enough to wail and draw unwanted attention to myself, but I wasn't quite sure I wanted to go and find those darn blue jeans myself. So in a sense, I stayed in a state of pseudo-indecision and hoped that I would see those blue jeans making their way back toward me. But that never happened..."

The impatience that had been tugging at the corners of her mouth soften and travel to raise her eyebrow quizzically.

I can't help but smile at this point. "You see, the blue jeans never showed up, but the black ones standing at the next rack over, the ones that I had been seeing from the beginning...well. Thinking back on it now, I realize I saw them approaching me in my peripheral vision. But I was so busy looking out for the blue jeans that I didn't even notice that the black jeans were right next to me until they squatted to get down to my eye level. And then an overwhelming sense of relief washed over me as I realized how foolish I had been. Even though I thought I was keeping my panic to a minimum with my rationality, it wasn't quite enough. In my confusion I had forgotten that the blue jeans weren't the only ones I'd come with; blue jeans, black jeans and I were all part of the same group. This whole time I'd been waiting for the blue jeans to come find me when all along the black jeans were keeping their eyes on me."

I'm finally done talking, and in my mind the illustration is complete. And I smile dumbly by myself, amused at how such a foolish mistake caused me so much grief.

The silence remains unbroken for several more awkward seconds, but I am oblivious to it; I'm just glad I have my black jeans.

Miss questioner clears her throat, and it's clear that she's reluctant to ask me any more questions. But she has to make sure I'm at least somewhat okay, despite my obvious mental instability. "So...does that mean you're doing well now?"

She studies my face carefully as I consider how things are right now; she's probably fearful of the next illustration I might share with her. I look her straight in the eye and I can see her tense up when I answer, "No...no, I can't say that I'm doing well. For one thing, I haven't slept in a while. I think I woke up at around 9am on Friday...which means I've been up for about 27.5 hours. If you haven't already noticed, I'm pretty ridiculously delusional. Haha..but in all seriousness, my answer remains the same. I'm not well, but I'll get there eventually. Black jeans are great, but God is better."

Relieved at such a simple, relatively straightforward answer, she smiles and says, "That's good, I'm glad. Well, I have to get going now...this ridiculously nonsensical story is ending and my existence is solely dependent on this blog entry alone."

I check the time on my iPod and grimace. "Ah, I know. You should have left a long time ago--I can't believe it's already 12:30pm...hm. I should probably get going too--I haven't eaten anything since I had dinner with Garnet last night at Thai Spice. Oh...and I should definitely go work on that research proposal...and slideshow. Goodness gracious me. Where did all the time run away to?" I look up from my iPod, only to see that I am left alone in my thoughts.

"I can't believe I stood here rambling on and on and on about a kid staring at black and blue jeans. I'm definitely going crazy...so much so that I don't even want to publish this post! But...what can you do? Chances are, no one's going to read this far anyway. And if they do?


...I'm so sorry."

because I'm in bed but the flow never stops

Jessica's alarm went off; she should be getting out of bed soon.

I'm hoping to get to the OFAS by 8.

I ate some cheesecake when I shouldn't have. I don't know why...bc it was there, I guess. Then again, all I'd eaten all day was half an Islands burger and half a Luna bar. I actually don't remember much of what happened last night. I mean. Tonight. All is vague. Apparently the guys were playing smash. I didn't notice or hear. Ppl came and went. I don't know if I greeted them. If I ignored you earlier tonight, I'm sorry. I really didn't mean to. I talked to people online, I think. I know I had a box open with g but I accidentally signed off ok her. I'm pretty sure I texted her...


Jess isn't out of bed yet. I hope she isn't late. I hope I wake up at seven.

Good night. Or morning.

because nothing ever goes according to plan

I went to the meeting. I'm still here. First here, last out.

Going home now. Grateful for ppl like CK.

Proposal still unfinished.

because I am paralyzed by my thoughts.

Where do I begin?

My professor stopped lecturing at around 6:00 and dismissed us about twenty minutes early. He left our midterms in a pile on a desk for us to dig through if we wanted them back. As I walked out of Steinhaus Hall, I flipped my blue exam booklet open and read through the comments my professor jotted down in the margins. I found my grade scribbled onto the inside of the front cover, and as I stared in disbelief I saw myself desperately scrambling after my GPA boosting quarter as the wind blew it out of my grasp into oblivion.

I texted my friend about it as I sank onto a bench in front of Zot-n-Go, and she suggested that I petition to change my grade option so I wouldn't have to worry. She'd succeeded in petitioning two years ago, but she'd also been sick and delusional with a fever that peaked at 106 degrees for a good chunk of the quarter. I entertained the thought of petitioning for a moment but it was swept away as the deluge of my thoughts burst through my mental floodgates and relentlessly swirled and pounded its way through every crack and crevice of my consciousness. I don't know how much time passed before I finally found myself at this computer in the Student Center computer lab. And now I'm sitting here chewing on a Chocolate Raspberry Luna Bar, puzzling over how to rid myself of this paralysis.

I've channeled my thoughts into some sort of journal on and off for the past 15 or so years and have come to find great satisfaction in pouring out my pent up everything with pen in hand and blank pages to fill. But my current journal is being neglected, untouched and unfilled as it sits in the darkness of my trunk. I write too frustratingly slowly.

The reason I'm sitting here in the student center computer lab is because I need to be writing up a research proposal. But I started typing into this text box because somehow I believed that doing so would help me clear my mind and focus better. Unfortunately, I can't seem to remember exactly what it was that I wanted to type here. I think it might have gone something like this--

I sat at that bench and stared blankly at my iPod; passersby probably thought I was simply zoned out if they took notice of me at all. But that blankness was a manifestation of the stunning blow of my mental chaos. I let the thoughts wash over and consume me. "Can I petition? The latest I can do it is next week. What have I to lose? The worst that can happen is that they'll deny me. I probably wouldn't succeed anyway...my GPA definitely isn't--will I have to explain myself? Mister Potential Employer, I just wanted to say that despite what the cold, hard facts may be, you will definitely not regret hiring me. But what kind of job...graphic design? I should have switched majors when I first--it's too late, though. My ceremony is in about a month...plan a get together? I don't really care though. I have to call Big Mom and Big Dad...or call Dad to do it." I walked through the aisles of Zot-n-Go. "Graduation party...with Sophia? She mentioned networking perks...networking. I definitely need to work on that. I obviously can't fall back on my--yogurt? Yoplait? Blueberry...pass. I need more vegetables and fruits. Fruit cup...with melons. Pass. I wonder when Michelle's graduation is? I know I should talk to the Big Parents but that means I might not have a ticket for her. Luna bars...I can never remember which one PK had in China. Chocolate raspberry sounds good. Lindeman's Framboise...oy. I have dinner in Irvine on Saturday. I'll stop by home for a little bit on Friday night or something. Oh...that's if I finish the slideshow. I need to get pictures from Jac--should I just get a salad? House salad...no chicken. That's good. I don't want meat right now...but I need protein to sustain me. My cuticles are dry. But I've been sleeping and drinking water. Maybe it's some other health issue...Chocolate Raspberry Luna bar...190 calories, 9g protein...Berry Almond Luna Bar? 180 calories, 9g protein. Chocolate raspberry sounds better...where did these people come from? Hot Cheeto fries...the girl working behind the counter sounds like Silvia. Is it her? I haven't seen her in a long while. It's not her. She must be tired...greeting people, scanning their items, giving them their change...rinse and repeat. 1.79...I thought it was 1.99. Only have a 5...girl washing the window--how do I--there's a guy walking in...walk toward the counter to put my money in my wallet to avoid awkwardness...ah~sorry girl cleaning the window...didn't think that opening this door meant making yours bounce. Oop...there goes a dime. Oh well. Ignore the guys...they can keep the chan--why is it so cold...I can't believe I blew it with classes this quarter. How should I do my hair for banquet? I want to post it on Twitter or Facebook. Maybe blog it. But that's so stupid...such a vain, unimportant question. Banquet. I need to do that slideshow--but research proposal! Why hasn't Chavira gotten back to me? He's not one to ignore--has he changed that much in these past two years? I should drop by office hours. Maybe use him as a refere--shoot. I always forget to email Dr. Cool. Email Dr. Cool, thank her. Use as reference. references...gotta get on Zotlink. No ID card; hope it's not required at the lab. I need to find it. CK mentioned Disneyland. I hope she meant Fri the 22nd...tomorrow is no good. I can't wait 'til tomorrow. I want to swim. I should read while I'm there. Thin book? Christian book? Thought we were going to the beach. Guess not. Don't mind...beach is far. And sandy. As numerous as the grains of sand on the beach. Should pray. Should email. Gotta read. Bible study? Crap. Not tomorrow. Slideshow. Proposal. Proposal. Proposal. Dang it. I wish I followed my work schedule strictly. Maybe I could have used my timesheets to back my petition...I can't go to the meeting tonight. Even if I finish I don't know if I can handle it. Can I handle a group again? Freak. How am I going to survive banquet. My shoulders are tingly. Definitely stress induced. Maybe Chavira thinks I'm lying. People know, though. People do. Exam Thursday. Don't know what's going on. Facebook Marvin? E mail him. Text him? Hope he texts. I don't think I'm as lost as I feel. Should start reading up on stuff on Monday. I'll go back to Irvine after banquet. Disneyland Monday? I wonder if CK forgot. Then study Monday. Or work. Or swim. I don't want skin cancer. Oh snap--blood tests! Past 5. Health center's closed--gotta call tomorrow. Physical? Do I want one? Maybe when I'm done witht he pills. Oh...gotta eat fruit. Asian pear at home. This Luna bar isn't very good. 8-pages...2 years ago I did it in 3 hours. And he gave me a B. But history never repeats itself? Dang. Why am I even typing this right now. I. Need. To. Stop."

Friends, it's almost over. Soon I will be forever finished with Political Science classes. Soon I will bid useless Anthropology classes "Adieu!" Soon these hours spent wasted away in the cool dimness of a university classroom will fade into the recesses of my mind. Soon Mimi will call me and I'll have to go back to my apartment. I should get started on that proposal.

...I'm surprised that my body only shut down for a week.

because i haven't changed much.

I've always known that I can be hot headed and as Esther E. Park would say, intense.

What I didn't know was how much that might affect the way people view me and consequently, how they choose to approach me, treat me, and interact with me. And that's IF they even choose to talk to me at all--for all I know, I might just be scaring people away.

And I don't blame them.

By the time my junior high days came to an end, I was known by my circle of friends to have painfully stinging slaps. In early high school, I was one of those girls who always hit the guys...and not to flirt, but to hurt. Nearly seven years later, I know that I rarely physically assault anyone with my blows (unless they do something stupid like poke me--but that's an entirely different issue in itself...). But apparently, my temper is just about the same. And I can't help but wonder what my friends would say about me...

Let's say, hypothetically, that there's a guy who foolishly thinks he might want to get to know me and asks a mutual friend about me. What would (s)he say? "She can be nice, but her mood is pretty volatile. I'm sure you'll find her to be sociable and that you guys will get along--just make sure not to make her mad." And this response, of course, not out of malice but out of simple honesty and concern for the poor guy's well being. Or perhaps a potential employer is looking up my references and getting in touch with people who have known me. "Christina? Oh, I'm sure she'll be a great addition to your office. But...don't be surprised if she gets upset with you or a coworker/client out of nowhere. Just a heads up..." Again, a response not of malice but for the sake of that employer's sanity.

Of course, I don't know that that's how I am perceived by my friends. I don't know that people see me as a time bomb that might explode at any second. But I wouldn't be surprised if that was the case.

People, friends, readers--I know that I am hot headed and that I am emotional. I know that I can get upset too easily and that sometimes my frustration seems to be unfounded. If that's the case, then call me out on it. Though I may be emotionally driven at times, I do my best to be reasonable all the time. If I am in the wrong, please correct me. I'll be honest--correction and rebuke hurts. But it's a good kind of hurt--like after a really rigorous work out. When you wake up sore the next morning because you had a really good work out, it feels good. When you lift your finger to turn off your alarm and you find that it hurts even to do that, it's oddly (and perhaps somewhat masochistically) pleasing. You know that that soreness is just what comes with your training your body. Now, if I need some correcting and I hear it from someone who heard it from someone who heard it from someone who heard it from you, that'll hurt in a different way. That would be like waking up sore because you have a bad mattress. That kind of soreness just sucks...it drags you down with every step you take, and it just makes you feel like poo. The only good that comes out of that kind of pain is that you might finally get a new mattress. Of course, even after reading this, if you're afraid to confront me about something and you ask someone like an older sister to talk to me about that particular issue, that's fine. Obviously it's best if you talk to me directly--but talking to someone to have them talk to me is different from talking to someone who I might squeeze the information out of because of my own inquiries...that's definitely asking for bad-mattress pain.

Earlier tonight I started typing out a blog entry about how I've met and built or started building relationships with so many different people in my life...only to stop talking to them years, months, and even weeks later. Initially my intent in writing about those individuals was to explore and wonder at why God wills us to meet the people we do, and why He allows our friendships to fade. I was wondering how that ultimately glorifies Him, and how it's played out in my faith. But now I'm wondering how many of those people were driven away by my sin, and whether what glorifies God in these situations is that I'm bludgeoned with a reminder to love, live, and act like Christ did, so as to act a as a living testament of how Christ can miraculously change a piercingly prickly porcupine into a gentle deer.

There are a few people I know I have driven away or have been driven away by--like my roommate my freshman year. We were close, we fought, we stopped talking. But more commonly the trend has been that people who I once held close to me eventually simply drifted away. Or so I thought...I can't help but wonder--how many of those people let themselves drift away because of how unpleasant I am/can be? How many of those just got fed up and finally gave up? How many of those only stayed around because they were afraid to upset me by leaving me, only to end up losing touch with me anyway? How many people have I scared away? Or maybe my current friends--how many people keep their distance because they don't want to get too close to and burned by my fiery temper? How many people choose to ignore me, choose to never initiate conversations with me, choose to get in touch with me "next time," because I'll probably end up getting upset anyway? Or worse--how many people don't even realize they do this? How many people who know me, when asked about me, simply respond that "that's just the way she is--you'll get used to it."? How many people will never know that there's something that lies deeper than my stupidity?

Whenever I let my fuse run short with my mom, she used to say that with my temper and negative persona, I'd end up with no friends. Words harshly phrased as a result of anger, of course, but scathingly true regardless. Truly, I appreciate that my parents haven't given up on correcting their immature, nearly 22 (and 23 in Korea) year old daughter. The day they give up is the day that I know I really have no hope.

Sigh. I've much to consider. Sometimes I wish I could bare my soul and heart to expose how desperately I want to be more like Christ and how I want to be pliably teachable...even though I know that baring that would mean also baring my most heavily veiled sins.

Father, I hope that it is part of your will that my seemingly infinite rough edges and sharp ends will be worn down, no matter how painful it is. And this not for the sake of pleasing man and making my personality more appealing, but for the sake of not driving people away from YOU because of the ridiculousness that is my sin. Break me...there is none like You. There is none but You. I have no one but You. Let it be that man fails me, that man brutalizes me...abandons me--if all works out for the sake of your glory. Thank you for not giving up on me-thank you for not letting me ignorantly wade through the muck of my sin. Thank you...

...

I was supposed to go to bed over 2.5 hours ago...

because i am a living, breathing fail blog

Earlier tonight I reheated some chicken in the microwave for dinner. I made sure to cover the plate with plastic wrap to keep the chicken from splattering all over the inside of the microwave--that's such a hassle to clean. When it was done, I opened the door, took the chicken out, took the plastic wrap off and turned to throw it away. And then I full on head butted the microwave door.....for the second time this week. -_-;; I was looking down at my hands and didn't realize that I'd left the microwave open...oops. Worse still is the fact that my roommates aren't surprised that I would do such a thing. Granted, none of them actually witnessed my run in with the microwave door, but...when I told Gloria about what happened, she laughed and said that the whole incident sounds like it would be one of those video clips you find on failblog.org. Then somehow we got to a point in the conversation where we agreed that I walk into inanimate (and maybe animate as well?) objects so often that I am basically a living, breathing fail blog...

...

I just stepped away from this entry to take a shower...and I mistook my body wash as conditioner. But I didn't realize it until what I thought was my conditioner started foaming when I was combing it through my hair with my fingers.......

Living, breathing.....fail blog.....

...

Haha =] at least my stupid mistakes/failures make my life more interesting...and apparently serves as amusement for those who get to see me in action.


I was totally planning on writing a bunch more on what's been going on these last few weeks, but this entry is taking me entirely too long. I keep getting distracted by my AIM conversations...I set a limit for myself tonight and am going to turn my laptop off at 10pm so I can sleep by midnight. I read somewhere that the quality of your sleep can be improved if you stop watching TV and/or using your laptop/computer (basically any screen/monitor) two hours prior to bedtime.

So...

THE END! I'll post more another day. =]

because I always fail at getting out of bed when my alarm first goes off

sigh.

I should have gone to sleep last night when I first started getting tired at around ten. Somehow I ended up sleeping at around 2:30...oops.

Anyway, there are a few things I need to take care of and I need to write/type it out somewhere so I can organize my day.

Let's see...
- border research proposal
- checkbook/bills
- summer hours
- student health center (physical, lab work)
- pictures/videos
- zotlink
- water
- course reader

Hm. Is that it? Somehow I feel like I'm missing something...oh well.

Alritey then. Let's do this...

because of a piano concerto by grieg

I have been sitting in my parked car for 7+ minutes...the song is pretty. I'm waiting for it to end and leeching off of someone else's wireless. Lol...

because of my dreams

I had the oddest dreams last night...but that's nothing new. If I've ever told you about any of my dreams, you know that they're really random more often than not. My dreams were random not only because of what happened, but also because of the people who were in them--people I either haven't seen in years or people I don't talk to very often. Take Jacob Kashiwada, for example...I haven't seen the guy since my junior year of high school and I never talked to him much to begin with. So odd...

Anyway, I really don't mind my random dreams. At the very least, I can say that they're amusing both to remember and to tell. But it drives me nuts when my dreams negatively affect me and my mood when I wake up. This morning was one of those mornings...sigh. Maybe I can't blame it entirely on my dreams, though. Those dreams have to have come from somewhere, I think. Maybe those things that bother me that I push to the back of my mind when I'm awake manifest themselves and find their way to catch my full attention in the form of a bad dream. Whatever the case, I just need to get over it.

In other news...

I think I used those icy hot patch things one too many times--I'm now missing a patch of skin on the back of my neck. Haha...ha...-_-;; When I took the two I had on the back of my neck off this morning, I thought it just hurt because it was pulling out my hair.......oops. At least I can say that I feel a lot better than I had been over this weekend. I'd give up a patch of skin not to have to deal with that unpleasantness any day.

Okay. My original plan for today was to wake up early enough to make it to campus by 9:30...it's 20 minutes past that right now. And I'm in Fullerton. Oh well...

I should finish getting ready to head out. It'll be the first time I've left my house since service on Sunday...

=]

because of kusc

I was listening to Classical Music with Charles Andrews on 91.5 and he was detailing the last ten years of Mozart's life, during which he composed The Abduction from the Seraglio and The Marriage of Figaro, among others. Andrews played a few seconds from both of these operas and it sent chills down my spine. And no, that's not because my neck and shoulders are messed up...haha. I've never really gotten into opera so I don't really know much about it...actually, I don't really know much about classical music to begin with. But...yea...I want to go watch these operas now.

...and that's all I wanted to post about.

btw, does anyone have any book suggestions? I'm going to start reading Les Miserables, and after that I want to read The Black Tulip and The Brothers Karamazov. I'm hoping that I'll still want to read after that...haha.

that is all...

because my neck/shoulders woke me up

i went to bed about 2.5 hrs ago but was waken up because my neck/shoulders. i don't know what's wrong with me. i can't say that they hurt, exactly, but they're super tight and almost tingly.

=[

i'm definitely gonna go get it checked out if i still feel this way on monday....ugh...

blah.

because g suggested that i post more

what to type...

hm.

i rested last week =] yay

started the second book of The d'Artagnan Romances by Alexandre Dumas on Monday and finished it on Wednesday, started another book that evening and finished it on Friday. did you know that The Three Musketeers is only the first book of a series (called The d'Artagnan Romances)? ha. it's followed by Twenty Years After and ends with The Vicomte of Bragelone...TOO BAD i didn't know that! -_-;;. i thought that the third book of the series was The Man in the Iron Mask, but i found out that that's only the last part of the third book. The Man in the Iron Mask was a good 700+ pages and extremely disappointing, so i have absolutely no intention of going back and reading what i unintentionally skipped. sigh. oh well.

I bought Les Miserables today and am looking forward to starting it~~yayy woohoo

anyway, i wanted to type about other things but this is taking way too long and i'm exhausted, even though i don't really have reason to be exhausted. i really think that all the sleep depravation and what not is finally catching up to me. i think i'm gonna get massively owned in this next week.

ok. the end. g'nite.

because i feel like posting

I don't really have anything I want to say here. I just felt compelled to post...perhaps to compensate for my inactivity on blogger for the past couple of weeks? Whatever the case, here I am...

...and now what?

Hmmmm......

...

Today is just one of those days...

Though today is Easter and as Pastor Peter Kim mentioned, it is undeniably the most important day in all of history, it's just one of those days...

I'm not making light of the gospel at all--I'm not making light of the cross at all.

Today is just one of those days that I'm tired to the point of letting it affect the way I interact with people. Today is one of those days that I regret having said some things I said, having used a certain tone of voice I used, having done some things that I wish I hadn't done. Today is one of those I wish I could handle it when people look at me like I'm stupid. Today is one of those days I wish I was confident yet humble enough to let such a thing pass me by with little to no internal repercussions.

Thank God for Jesus...haha. Thank God that my salvation isn't contingent upon what I do or say, and that it is what Christ has done for me and in place of me.

Anyway, I'm using Kevin Yoon's laptop to update so I should get off now.

Hopefully I'll get around to getting my laptop fixed sooner than later.

awake because I'm itchy =[

drives me nuts. I forgot to take allergy meds for two days and now I'm getting owned. Hives on my lower back, sides, on the back of my legs, neck, upper back, my shoulder and even my face! I just took a pill but it's not fast-acting so I don't know if it'll actually help.

Sigh.

Well. Today is Monday of Passion Week. Today in history, Jesus cursed the fig tree and cleansed the temple.

The cleansing of the temple is covered in Matthew 21:12-13. One of the verse references i've come across is Jeremiah 7:11, and I quote , "Has this house, which bears my Name, become a den of robbers to you? But I have been watching! declares the LORD."
This brings to mind two things: firstly, how we should strive to preserve the purity of the church, and secondly, Garnet's post on being an atheist at heart. You can find that entry on her xanga at xanga.com/denoumente.

There are a bunch of other things that come to mind, other convictions to consider. And the root of such thoughts can be attributed to God's grace in by life. I see that it's by His grace that my allergies bothered me to the point of waking me up, consequently leading me to consider the events of this Monday. God's grace because in all honesty, I probably would not have taken the time to even flip through my Bible today, regardless of the day or week we're observing.

I've much to consider...

And my hives have calmed down a bit. Another evidence of God's grace =].

I think it's high time that I pray a bit before I head back to sleep.

On a completely unrelated note, my laptop is no longer functional at this point. I've come to appreciate my iPod much on these last couple of days...

That is all for now. My apologies for any typos--typing with an iPod is slightly more difficult than normal typing.

Pictures, as promised

I created a SmugMug account--just a trial 14 day one. I've uploaded all of my Disneyland and Nor Cal pictures there.

Here's the link for the Disneyland album:
Click here for Disneyland pictures!

Here's the link for the Nor Cal album:
Click here for Nor Cal pictures!

That is all. Please do check them out (and comment!)~ I would love to post them here but it's just a little bit too time consuming.

Enjoy!

::edit:: These are definitely not the only pictures I have from spring break. I'll edit and upload and then post here as I do so. =]

Ultimate

That's the one word I'd use to describe the last few days of my last spring break--

Ultimate.

Unbelievable fun getting
Lost in
The city,
I appreciate.
Making memories with
Awesome friends was
Truly
Epic.

Ha...

I'm lame...but that's nothing new. =P

Winter quarter ended for me on Monday, March 16th, and I must say that I definitely milked it. By the time Monday rolled around, I'd pulled seven all nighters in the month of March alone, so I spent the bulk of my time that day catching up on sleep...and then Tuesday I started going out and depriving myself of sleep yet again.

Tuesday I had lunch with Rachel Tsao and the dinner with Steve Kim, two people I hadn't seen or really talked to in a long while. I had lunch at that Greek place in Diamond Jamboree--I'd been wanting to try it for a while. Then dinner was at Cafe Hiro in Cypress...Japanese fusion stuff? Pretty good~and very cute. =] Afterward I spent a good 4.5 hours baking cookies and delivering them to those unfortunate souls who still had to study for finals...

Wednesday I went to the student health center to get some lab work done. Lab work = blood work--my arm is still bruised. =[ The person taking my blood didn't even have a hard time or anything--he just stuck the needle in my arm and took my blood, but I still got bruised up. Afterward I had lunch with April Beltran @ Wasa and dinner with Sue Kim in K-town...AYCE Korean BBQ =]. It's always nice meeting up with April, and it was awesome seeing Sue because I hadn't seen her in at least over a year...and there's just something about meeting up with old friends that's just...awesome. =]

Thursday...that's when my break started getting kind of crazy. The original plan was to meet up with Garnet in the afternoon and then chill until CK joined us at around seven when we would head down for our quarterly ATW San Diego run, but...things didn't really happen according to plan. I did meet up with Garnet, and we ended up going to The Lab to stop by the Buffalo Exchange and eat at Gypsy Den, then dropped by American Apparel...long story short, CK met up with us at around nine thirty (if I'm remembering correctly) and a phone call to Eddie Kang to ask for directions to Super Sergio's turned into a 12:30am departure from Irvine to San Diego with kG, seeK, Richard Kwak, Eddie Kang, and Mark Barlis. More specifically, we dropped by El Coti's and then visited a very foggy Mount Soledad. We got back home at around 5:45am...ha. I slept at around six, then woke up to Sharon Lee's phone call at around noon on

Friday. Esther Lee and Sharon Lee were already over and waiting for me...we'd made plans (along with CK) to go to Zenko's in Mission Viejo to get some AYCE sushi. So...CK came over as I was getting ready, and we headed out to eat at Zenko's where the waitress questioned us twice because of the massive amount of food we ordered. We had something like four or five servings of calamari and mussels, six rolls and sixty pieces of sushi...yeap. Afterward we headed over to Yogurtland for some dessert...haha fatties f'sho. For dinner I met up with Jason Choi and Michelle Lee and we went to Mr. Pizza in LA and visited John Lee at work afterward...

Saturday I met up with Sara Kim and Jason Choi for lunch at Koba Tofu Grill in Amerige Heights...Michelle joined us later and we all went to Cafe Veronese in downtown Fullerton.

Sunday I went to church as usual, then I met up with John, Jason and Michelle for dinner for some AYCE Korean BBQ at Cham Soot Gohl in Garden Grove. We went to Lindbrook on Brookhurst for some bowling fun and to digest after dinner...haha.

Monday was the only day I stayed at home.

Tuesday I went to Disneyland with Jason and Michelle.

Wednesday I drove up North with John, Jason and Michelle...Top Dog for dinner with Richard Shin, visited the double helix and whale at Tilden(?). Michelle and I slept at Greenhouse and John and Jason stayed with Richard.

Thursday the guys came to pick us up at about 10:30am and we drove out to the city and found public parking at a Safeway. Took the CalTrain, then got lost and wandered around for a little bit. We found our way back on the CalTrain to Union Square and rode the cable car over to Fisherman's Wharf. We had some clam chowder, headed to the antique arcade place, walked to Pier 39 and rode the cable car back to Union Square where we met my brother. Had dinner at Palomino, then went to Treasure Island and took some photos there...dropped my brother off, then headed back to Berkeley where we went to get some ice cream at McDonald's.

Friday we had breakfast at La Note with the guys at 8:30am, then drove back to Pier 39 and parked in a lot there. We walked over to a bicycle rental shop and rented four bikes, and biked on the Golden Gate Bridge to Saulsalito. We had lunch there before taking the ferry back to Pier 41. Biked to Ghiradelli Square and had some Dreyer's ice cream (haha) covered with Ghiradelli chocolate, then biked back to the rental store to return the bikes. Dropped by Berkeley again to pick up a few things I'd left at Greenhouse, then dropped by Top Dog one last time before finally heading down at 7:30pm. We looked up a Target with Michelle's cell phone and bought a few games there...we played a slightly modified version of Catchphrase for several hours...haha. I got back home at about 3:30am and slept by 4:00am.

Today I woke up at 8:00am to find that my mom had spent the night doing all my laundry, cleaning my car, organizing my things, and...not sleeping. I was extremely grateful...I am so undeserving of such treatment!! I went to missions training a little late--walked in at about 9:10am. Had lunch with the team, then came home and started typing this...and then I took a break and had some Cefiore frozen yogurt with Chuck and his cousin Jason...and now I'm back at my apartment finishing up this entry.

Tomorrow will be church again, and I don't know what else will happen...maybe I'll just stay home and do nothing. =]

I'll post another entry (hopefully tonight) with some photos--I only took about 875 photos over the course of my spring break. ha...ha...-___-;; I guess it'll take me a while to pick out my favorites.

=] Hope those of you who were on break are pleased with the way you spent it, and that those of you who weren't...are satisfied with what you've done with your lives these past couple of weeks.

Farewell......for now. ^^

because i said i would

...i'm posting before i get some shuteye.

i forget why i said i wanted to post...hm.

turns out shinhwa doesn't have a tenth album--that makes it easier for me...

i'm going to disneyland tomorrow =]

then i'm heading up north from wednesday-friday...should be an interesting trip.

alritey. i have to wake up in six hours...

peace.

I've fallen in love

with bold/jewel-toned/highlighter colors...haha. =] Does my new layout give it away? I feel like I'm in junior high again...

On another random note, I've been wanting to listen to more Shinhwa lately. haha! I only have their ninth album on my iPod, so I started digging through my CDs to find the others...

Apparently I have albums number four through seven, plus #4.5...as well as number nine, and two concert CDs.

I can't find 4 and 4.5 though...=T I have my fingers crossed--I think they're at my apartment in Irvine.

I'm going to go look for albums one through three online as well...I figure I want to have the complete collection because I'm close enough already. I'm pretty sure they came out with an album number ten too, but I'm not sure...

I'm probably gonna post again before today ends...

On yet another random note...

Does anybody want to go to Disneyland tomorrow? The ticket's $42...one of the guys we were supposed to go with, can't anymore because he has to work...quite unfortunate. That's a pretty cheap ticket! The original ticket price is $69...haha.

Let me know~

I'm Done

My quarter ended at around noon today.

Thank God...it's finally over.

I finished my project resubmissions for Studio Arts 65A this morning at around 8:00am.



Project 1 Resubmission
Jagged Edged Skipping Stones

Five different icons/tiles--BCC, CCM, SRCC, SHHS, and family. Most of the people I've met/I know are from or were met at/through one (or more) of these groups.



Project 3 Resubmission
Design Culture Now

Our assignment was to design a poster using all the text we were given...and we weren't allowed to add any graphics or anything.

It's pretty straight forward. My first poster very poorly designed...I hope my prof agrees that this is a far better project than my first attempt.

That...is all.

I slept for 8 hours today...


...and I'm going back to sleep. =]

I do stupid things 53% of the time.

Directions:
Mark which things you have done, then calculate your score by counting the number of questions you marked. This test is out of 100 questions which means that the number you get as your score is also your percentage. Tag all of your friends, and re-post as "I do stupid things __% of the time."

1. [ ] Forgot to put the lid on the blender, turned it on, and had everything fly out
2. [ ] Gotten your head stuck between the stair rails
3. [] Broken a chair by leaning back in it
4. [x] Had gum fall out of your mouth while you were talking
5. [x] Choked on your own spit while you were talking
6. [ ] Had people tell you that you are blonde when you're not, or had people tell you that your blonde highlights are going to your head
7. [x] Been caught staring at your crush by your crush
8. [x]Have looked for something for at least 5 min then realized it was in your hand
9. [x] Tried to push open a door that said pull
10. [x] Tried to pull open a door that said push

Running total: 6/10

11. [ ] Have actually believed someone when they said that they
knew how to make a love-potion
12. [x] Have hit yourself in the process of trying to hit something else
13. [x] Have tripped and fallen UP the stairs
14. [ ] Have actually exploded marshmallows in the microwave
15. [x] Have gotten gum stuck in your hair
16. [x] Had gum fall out of your mouth while trying to blow a bubble
17. [] Have had the juice from a mini tomato {{or other juicy fruit}} squirt out and hit somebody else when you bit into it
18. [x] Have had your drink come out your nose because you were laughing so hard
19. [x] Have called one of your good friends by the wrong name
20. [ ] Have skinned your toe because you were playing soccer or kickball with flip flops on or you were barefoot

Running total: 12/20

21. [] Have put a sticker on your forehead, forgot it was there, and went out in public with it on
22. [] Have fallen out of a moving vehicle
23. [x] Have run into a closed door
25. [x] Searched for your cell phone while you were talking on it
26. [x] It has taken you longer than 5 min to get a joke
27. [ ] Have gotten your hair stuck in a blow dryer
28. [ ] Have gotten your hair stuck in a fan
29. [x] Tripped on a crack in the sidewalk
30. [ ] Said o'clock after saying how many min after the hour, example: 5:30 o'clock, or 6:15 o'clock
31. [x] After someone told you that there was gum on the ground, you stepped in it
32. [] Put on a white shirt even though you already knew it was raining outside
33. [x] Have ever walked up to a stranger because you thought they were someone else
34. [] Ever been kicked out of a store/off their property
35. [x] Touched the stove, the curling iron, a hot pan, etc when its on, even though you knew it was hot
36. [ ] Taken off your clothes to change into something else then accidentally put the old clothes back on
37. [x] Wondered why something wasn't working then realized it wasn't plugged in
38. [ ] Put the cereal in the fridge, or put the milk in the cupboard
39. [x] Walked into a pole
40. [x] Wore two different earrings or shoes by accident/stolen someones shoes by accident

Running total: 22/40

41. [] Put your shirt on backwards/inside-out without realizing it then left your house
42. [ ] Tried to take a picture of someone's eye with the flash on
43. [x]Gotten a ring stuck on your finger because you put it on even though you knew it was too small
44. [ ] Walked out of the bathroom (stall) with toilet paper stuck to your shoe without realizing it
45. [x] Went to go do something/go get something, then when you got there, you forgot what it is was that you were going to do
46. [x]Picked up someone else's drink and drank out of it by accident when your drink was right next to it
47. [x] Fallen out of your chair while trying to pick something up
48. [x] Have poked yourself in the eye
49. [ ] Have gotten in the shower with your socks still on
50. [ ] Melted your hairbrush while blow drying your hair

Running total: 27/50

51. [x] Have done enough stupid things to make a test
52. [x] Have accidentally stabbed yourself with a pencil
53. [x] Have sung the wrong verse to a song without realizing it
54. [x] Have given an odd answer to a question because you didn't hear the question in the first place and didn't feel like asking what it was
55. [x] Told someone you were the wrong age because you seriously forgot how old you were
56. [x] Looked into an overhead purposefully while it was on
57. [x] Got up early and got ready for school/work, then realized that you didn't have school/work that day
58. [] Forgot your own phone number
59. [x] Have tripped on a cord after someone told you to watch out for it
60. [x] Have ever laughed at a joke that no one else thought was funny

Running total: 35/60

61. [ ] Done the Macarena to the electric slide or vice versa
62. [] Said funner then had someone make fun of you for it
63. [x] Have repeated yourself at least twice in the same sentence
64. [x] Brought up an inside joke with the wrong person
65. [] Didn't do the backside of an assignment because you thought that there wasn't one because you had already looked and forgot that there was another side
66. [x] Did more work than you had to on an assignment because you didn't read the directions
67. [x] Corrected someone's grammar/pronunciation then figured out that you were the one that was wrong
68. [x] Put something in a special place so that you would remember where it was, then forgot where you put it.
69. [x] Put ice in your drink after the glass was full of liquid and had it splash out
70. [x] Told a lie then forgot what it was that you had said and got caught

Running total: 42/70


71. [ ] When wearing goggles, you pulled them away from your face and let go so that they would come back and snap you in the face
72. [] Forgot to make sure that the lamp was off before you replaced the light bulb
73. [] Ran into a door
74. [] Told someone that you hardly ever do stupid things, then immediately did/said something stupid
75. [] Told someone to watch out for something, then you were the one that ran into it
76. [ ] Have purposely licked playground sand
77. [] Have purposely and repeatedly flicked yourself with a rubber band
78. [x] Gotten so hyper that someone actually thought you were drunk when you weren't
79. [x] Have been so hyper you actually scared people
80. [] Put duct tape on your body then pulled it off to see if it would hurt

Running total: 44/80

81. [] Put duct tape on your hair/someone else's hair then pulled it off
82. [] Put a clothes pin/hair clip on your lip, figured out that it hurt, then did it again
83. [x] Sat and wondered why men's dress shirts have a loop on the back.
84. [x] Made up a code name for someone so that you could talk about them to someone else and no one else would know who you were talking about
85. [x] Have gotten a hairbrush stuck in your hair
86. [x] Used the straw to blow the straw wrapper at someone
87. [] Shaved your tongue because you thought your taste buds looked funny
88. [] When at a restaurant, you used your spoon to fling stuff at people
89. [] Have flung forks at people in a restaurant
89. []Tripped and made the waiter drop the food

Running total: 48/90

91. [ ] As you are writing, you move your head back and forth with your pen/pencil
92. [ ] Have drawn finger puppets on your fingers then named them
93. [x]Have wrapped someone in a roll of toilet paper
94. [ ] Have used somebody else's toothbrush without even realizing it wasn't yours
95. [x] Have started telling a story and forget what you were talking about or what happened in the story
96. [] Read a whole book but during the whole book you never payed any attention.
97. [x] You have spelled your own name wrong before (Does typing count?)
98. [x] When lying in bed you look for pictures in the texture of the ceiling
99. [x] Have used your calculator as a form of communication in a class
100. [ ] Have popped a balloon in your mouth

Studying @ home

surprise surprise! we're studying @ rancho and we're actually being productive. =]

Mom and Dad, no late night studying on campus tonight. That means you have no need to worry! ^^



@ the table--Barlis, CK, Eric, J Chung
on the floor--Joe Kwon, Noah

Copyright

Facebook deleted the video because of copyright issues.

=[

Brothers Appreciation Night

CCM Boys Walk It Out


Lyrics:

This the numba one CCM sound
Sistas, we about to get down
We the hottest in the world right now
Just touched down in HSL

You know we the best
Other ministries got nothin' on us
Such a huge blessing to ya
Give thanks to God, hallelujah

Now you know that we're the best so listen up
Count us as a blessing and buy gifts for us
We know you want to come kick it with us,
You can be our CCM boys
Our CCM boys
----


Freshman you're still young
Sophomores you're forgotten
Juniors we don't care
Seniors --- walk it out.

It's the end, bruddas, we're all seniors now
Let's reminisce a bit, bout how it all went down
This the last time for class of oh nine to appreciate
The brothers who have great faith

Back when we were fresh, men in the dorms
This is when our first impressions just began to form
Travis you so funny, with yo coupon book
Eddie's pretty hair and his yujah look
Jacob serenades to get his lady friends
Andrew worked it early and we know how it ends
Kelvin always knew the facts he's our historian
Yash you've always been around, our token indian
Richard you so quiet, youse the mystery man
Jon you went away a year to see the motherland
Ushino's part of Men in Blaque, his singing is legit
Barlis you're the newest brother, doesn't seem like it
David Jeong, you carnivore, your presence we be missin'
This the famous class no one can top, don't you be dissin'

Senior boys
walk it out x4

Let's bring it back now, to the present time
Let me tell you little bit about these boys of mine
They got all the goods, not them worldly things
But the kind of awesome fruits the holy spirit brings
They got love joy peace patience kindness gentleness
Self-control and goodness, never-ending faithfulness
You got our back, bruddas, we can count on you
You can lead us in the way that Jesus taught you to

We appreciate (appreciate!)
All these memories that you and i create
Praise the Lord (praise the Lord!)
Cuz He is good (cuz He is good!)
For givin' us you bruddas to chill with in our hood

I heard about how junior boys took out the girls for valentines
And sophomore fellas took the time to cook a meal that was so fine and
Freshman guys you gentlemen i'm sure you're awesome too
But senior boys we'd never trade these younger ones for you

You know we sistas love you
Class of oh nine
You know our friendships are true
For all of time

Freshman you're still young
Sophomores you're forgotten
Juniors we don't care
Seniors --- walk it out.

Deleted scenes/bloopers


This was my life for the past week or so.

Jen Chung, Garnet, and I wrote the lyrics...took about three hours? We recorded and then G edited the song...

I filmed and edited...I lost track of how long that took. I do remember, though, that I pulled an all-nighter on Sunday and worked on nothing else but this video. I pulled another one on Monday--I think I did some school work as well as do the deleted scenes/blooper reel video. Then Tuesday's all nighter was for the purpose of catching up on schoolwork...and Wednesday my body couldn't take it anymore so I slept for six hours.

Then it was BAN.

I think it went relatively well. Garnet and I performed our version of "Lucky"...but that went kind of badly. We were up right after they showed our videos...and...I think we'd been too excited/anxious/nervous about the video that we were drained by the time it was our turn to perform. I remember I was shaking even before we started singing, and I zoned out during the song...my goodness. I really hope nobody posts the video from that--it was seriously no bueno.

This year's BAN was crazy for me, personally. I wouldn't be surprised if it all came out to be a total of ~40 hours that I put into this...wow. As much fun it's all been, I'm not gonna lie--I'm glad it's all over and that I can sleep and focus on school now.

Here are the lyrics for "Lucky"...

Verse 1
Do you hear me?
...Is this mic on?
(more dialogue)

Hello brothers!
Here we are
for the last time.
We've come so far
since we were freshmen
years ago.
Sit back, relax and enjoy the show.

Chorus 1
Lucky to have been in CCM
Lucky to encourage you again
Lucky to be calling you our friends

Verse 2
Freshmen brothers
here's some advice
Our God's amazing and He will use you
even if you're a rowdy bunch
of punks
Miracles happen

For example, here's a story
of a shekki's climb to glory
Since his first year, he's been uncool
Mister ADM, God used you fool!

Chorus 1

Verse 3
Let's be real now, here's a few things
for you brothers to consider as you
continue growing in
your love, your hope and your faith

Just remember that in this lifetime
You will struggle and you will find
that you're not perfect, but that's okay
Carry on, and remember grace

Chorus 1

Bridge
Brothers we appreciate
All that you have done for us
Truly God has shown us grace
for blessing us with fellowship
as sweet as this, it's heaven sent
we know...

Chorus 2
So we
Thank you for the memories we've shared
for all the times you've shown us that you care
We're grateful that you got to meet us here

Chorus 1

That is all...