because i haven't changed much.

I've always known that I can be hot headed and as Esther E. Park would say, intense.

What I didn't know was how much that might affect the way people view me and consequently, how they choose to approach me, treat me, and interact with me. And that's IF they even choose to talk to me at all--for all I know, I might just be scaring people away.

And I don't blame them.

By the time my junior high days came to an end, I was known by my circle of friends to have painfully stinging slaps. In early high school, I was one of those girls who always hit the guys...and not to flirt, but to hurt. Nearly seven years later, I know that I rarely physically assault anyone with my blows (unless they do something stupid like poke me--but that's an entirely different issue in itself...). But apparently, my temper is just about the same. And I can't help but wonder what my friends would say about me...

Let's say, hypothetically, that there's a guy who foolishly thinks he might want to get to know me and asks a mutual friend about me. What would (s)he say? "She can be nice, but her mood is pretty volatile. I'm sure you'll find her to be sociable and that you guys will get along--just make sure not to make her mad." And this response, of course, not out of malice but out of simple honesty and concern for the poor guy's well being. Or perhaps a potential employer is looking up my references and getting in touch with people who have known me. "Christina? Oh, I'm sure she'll be a great addition to your office. But...don't be surprised if she gets upset with you or a coworker/client out of nowhere. Just a heads up..." Again, a response not of malice but for the sake of that employer's sanity.

Of course, I don't know that that's how I am perceived by my friends. I don't know that people see me as a time bomb that might explode at any second. But I wouldn't be surprised if that was the case.

People, friends, readers--I know that I am hot headed and that I am emotional. I know that I can get upset too easily and that sometimes my frustration seems to be unfounded. If that's the case, then call me out on it. Though I may be emotionally driven at times, I do my best to be reasonable all the time. If I am in the wrong, please correct me. I'll be honest--correction and rebuke hurts. But it's a good kind of hurt--like after a really rigorous work out. When you wake up sore the next morning because you had a really good work out, it feels good. When you lift your finger to turn off your alarm and you find that it hurts even to do that, it's oddly (and perhaps somewhat masochistically) pleasing. You know that that soreness is just what comes with your training your body. Now, if I need some correcting and I hear it from someone who heard it from someone who heard it from someone who heard it from you, that'll hurt in a different way. That would be like waking up sore because you have a bad mattress. That kind of soreness just sucks...it drags you down with every step you take, and it just makes you feel like poo. The only good that comes out of that kind of pain is that you might finally get a new mattress. Of course, even after reading this, if you're afraid to confront me about something and you ask someone like an older sister to talk to me about that particular issue, that's fine. Obviously it's best if you talk to me directly--but talking to someone to have them talk to me is different from talking to someone who I might squeeze the information out of because of my own inquiries...that's definitely asking for bad-mattress pain.

Earlier tonight I started typing out a blog entry about how I've met and built or started building relationships with so many different people in my life...only to stop talking to them years, months, and even weeks later. Initially my intent in writing about those individuals was to explore and wonder at why God wills us to meet the people we do, and why He allows our friendships to fade. I was wondering how that ultimately glorifies Him, and how it's played out in my faith. But now I'm wondering how many of those people were driven away by my sin, and whether what glorifies God in these situations is that I'm bludgeoned with a reminder to love, live, and act like Christ did, so as to act a as a living testament of how Christ can miraculously change a piercingly prickly porcupine into a gentle deer.

There are a few people I know I have driven away or have been driven away by--like my roommate my freshman year. We were close, we fought, we stopped talking. But more commonly the trend has been that people who I once held close to me eventually simply drifted away. Or so I thought...I can't help but wonder--how many of those people let themselves drift away because of how unpleasant I am/can be? How many of those just got fed up and finally gave up? How many of those only stayed around because they were afraid to upset me by leaving me, only to end up losing touch with me anyway? How many people have I scared away? Or maybe my current friends--how many people keep their distance because they don't want to get too close to and burned by my fiery temper? How many people choose to ignore me, choose to never initiate conversations with me, choose to get in touch with me "next time," because I'll probably end up getting upset anyway? Or worse--how many people don't even realize they do this? How many people who know me, when asked about me, simply respond that "that's just the way she is--you'll get used to it."? How many people will never know that there's something that lies deeper than my stupidity?

Whenever I let my fuse run short with my mom, she used to say that with my temper and negative persona, I'd end up with no friends. Words harshly phrased as a result of anger, of course, but scathingly true regardless. Truly, I appreciate that my parents haven't given up on correcting their immature, nearly 22 (and 23 in Korea) year old daughter. The day they give up is the day that I know I really have no hope.

Sigh. I've much to consider. Sometimes I wish I could bare my soul and heart to expose how desperately I want to be more like Christ and how I want to be pliably teachable...even though I know that baring that would mean also baring my most heavily veiled sins.

Father, I hope that it is part of your will that my seemingly infinite rough edges and sharp ends will be worn down, no matter how painful it is. And this not for the sake of pleasing man and making my personality more appealing, but for the sake of not driving people away from YOU because of the ridiculousness that is my sin. Break me...there is none like You. There is none but You. I have no one but You. Let it be that man fails me, that man brutalizes me...abandons me--if all works out for the sake of your glory. Thank you for not giving up on me-thank you for not letting me ignorantly wade through the muck of my sin. Thank you...

...

I was supposed to go to bed over 2.5 hours ago...