because I am paralyzed by my thoughts.

Where do I begin?

My professor stopped lecturing at around 6:00 and dismissed us about twenty minutes early. He left our midterms in a pile on a desk for us to dig through if we wanted them back. As I walked out of Steinhaus Hall, I flipped my blue exam booklet open and read through the comments my professor jotted down in the margins. I found my grade scribbled onto the inside of the front cover, and as I stared in disbelief I saw myself desperately scrambling after my GPA boosting quarter as the wind blew it out of my grasp into oblivion.

I texted my friend about it as I sank onto a bench in front of Zot-n-Go, and she suggested that I petition to change my grade option so I wouldn't have to worry. She'd succeeded in petitioning two years ago, but she'd also been sick and delusional with a fever that peaked at 106 degrees for a good chunk of the quarter. I entertained the thought of petitioning for a moment but it was swept away as the deluge of my thoughts burst through my mental floodgates and relentlessly swirled and pounded its way through every crack and crevice of my consciousness. I don't know how much time passed before I finally found myself at this computer in the Student Center computer lab. And now I'm sitting here chewing on a Chocolate Raspberry Luna Bar, puzzling over how to rid myself of this paralysis.

I've channeled my thoughts into some sort of journal on and off for the past 15 or so years and have come to find great satisfaction in pouring out my pent up everything with pen in hand and blank pages to fill. But my current journal is being neglected, untouched and unfilled as it sits in the darkness of my trunk. I write too frustratingly slowly.

The reason I'm sitting here in the student center computer lab is because I need to be writing up a research proposal. But I started typing into this text box because somehow I believed that doing so would help me clear my mind and focus better. Unfortunately, I can't seem to remember exactly what it was that I wanted to type here. I think it might have gone something like this--

I sat at that bench and stared blankly at my iPod; passersby probably thought I was simply zoned out if they took notice of me at all. But that blankness was a manifestation of the stunning blow of my mental chaos. I let the thoughts wash over and consume me. "Can I petition? The latest I can do it is next week. What have I to lose? The worst that can happen is that they'll deny me. I probably wouldn't succeed anyway...my GPA definitely isn't--will I have to explain myself? Mister Potential Employer, I just wanted to say that despite what the cold, hard facts may be, you will definitely not regret hiring me. But what kind of job...graphic design? I should have switched majors when I first--it's too late, though. My ceremony is in about a month...plan a get together? I don't really care though. I have to call Big Mom and Big Dad...or call Dad to do it." I walked through the aisles of Zot-n-Go. "Graduation party...with Sophia? She mentioned networking perks...networking. I definitely need to work on that. I obviously can't fall back on my--yogurt? Yoplait? Blueberry...pass. I need more vegetables and fruits. Fruit cup...with melons. Pass. I wonder when Michelle's graduation is? I know I should talk to the Big Parents but that means I might not have a ticket for her. Luna bars...I can never remember which one PK had in China. Chocolate raspberry sounds good. Lindeman's Framboise...oy. I have dinner in Irvine on Saturday. I'll stop by home for a little bit on Friday night or something. Oh...that's if I finish the slideshow. I need to get pictures from Jac--should I just get a salad? House salad...no chicken. That's good. I don't want meat right now...but I need protein to sustain me. My cuticles are dry. But I've been sleeping and drinking water. Maybe it's some other health issue...Chocolate Raspberry Luna bar...190 calories, 9g protein...Berry Almond Luna Bar? 180 calories, 9g protein. Chocolate raspberry sounds better...where did these people come from? Hot Cheeto fries...the girl working behind the counter sounds like Silvia. Is it her? I haven't seen her in a long while. It's not her. She must be tired...greeting people, scanning their items, giving them their change...rinse and repeat. 1.79...I thought it was 1.99. Only have a 5...girl washing the window--how do I--there's a guy walking in...walk toward the counter to put my money in my wallet to avoid awkwardness...ah~sorry girl cleaning the window...didn't think that opening this door meant making yours bounce. Oop...there goes a dime. Oh well. Ignore the guys...they can keep the chan--why is it so cold...I can't believe I blew it with classes this quarter. How should I do my hair for banquet? I want to post it on Twitter or Facebook. Maybe blog it. But that's so stupid...such a vain, unimportant question. Banquet. I need to do that slideshow--but research proposal! Why hasn't Chavira gotten back to me? He's not one to ignore--has he changed that much in these past two years? I should drop by office hours. Maybe use him as a refere--shoot. I always forget to email Dr. Cool. Email Dr. Cool, thank her. Use as reference. references...gotta get on Zotlink. No ID card; hope it's not required at the lab. I need to find it. CK mentioned Disneyland. I hope she meant Fri the 22nd...tomorrow is no good. I can't wait 'til tomorrow. I want to swim. I should read while I'm there. Thin book? Christian book? Thought we were going to the beach. Guess not. Don't mind...beach is far. And sandy. As numerous as the grains of sand on the beach. Should pray. Should email. Gotta read. Bible study? Crap. Not tomorrow. Slideshow. Proposal. Proposal. Proposal. Dang it. I wish I followed my work schedule strictly. Maybe I could have used my timesheets to back my petition...I can't go to the meeting tonight. Even if I finish I don't know if I can handle it. Can I handle a group again? Freak. How am I going to survive banquet. My shoulders are tingly. Definitely stress induced. Maybe Chavira thinks I'm lying. People know, though. People do. Exam Thursday. Don't know what's going on. Facebook Marvin? E mail him. Text him? Hope he texts. I don't think I'm as lost as I feel. Should start reading up on stuff on Monday. I'll go back to Irvine after banquet. Disneyland Monday? I wonder if CK forgot. Then study Monday. Or work. Or swim. I don't want skin cancer. Oh snap--blood tests! Past 5. Health center's closed--gotta call tomorrow. Physical? Do I want one? Maybe when I'm done witht he pills. Oh...gotta eat fruit. Asian pear at home. This Luna bar isn't very good. 8-pages...2 years ago I did it in 3 hours. And he gave me a B. But history never repeats itself? Dang. Why am I even typing this right now. I. Need. To. Stop."

Friends, it's almost over. Soon I will be forever finished with Political Science classes. Soon I will bid useless Anthropology classes "Adieu!" Soon these hours spent wasted away in the cool dimness of a university classroom will fade into the recesses of my mind. Soon Mimi will call me and I'll have to go back to my apartment. I should get started on that proposal.

...I'm surprised that my body only shut down for a week.